Geez, has it really been since September that I last posted on here? Time does fly when you're having fun... well, it definitely hasn't been fun.
Where to start... there's so much to talk about. Shortly after writing my last post everything pretty much just went downhill from there. Emotional breakdowns happened nearly every day, and my body didn't seem to agree with the pregnancy. My grades started to take a hit and my family was being neglected. It was taking me so much more time to study for something that would regularly just take me a few minutes. I knew something was wrong, so I seeked for help. I also went on LOA from work to tame my psychological stress and to help out my family. I literally suffered from what's called "burn out". I got depressed and school wasn't- and still isn't- interesting anymore. Things I enjoyed once aren't my thing anymore. Everything... changed. And why? Because I piled on all these things to do and didn't pay attention to myself. I forgot about myself.
Then to top it all off with the great deal of stress I was under, my body decided to break down on me and I went into preterm labor at 30 weeks. That meant having to drop a class to salvage my grades, and having to resign from one of my leadership/volunteer positions... and, most importantly: BEDREST.
Bedrest is like the ultimate punishment for me. Please use Chinese water torture on me or any other form of torture, BUT bedrest. I hate not working, and barely going to school. I hate not being able to run errands or clean my house. It sucks. I hate just... sitting here. It's awful! But what do you do, right? I gotta keep baking this little one in there for a bit longer, but I don't think I'll make it to my due date. I'm too much of a non-compliant patient to stay pregnant until the end, i.e. cleaning my house when not supposed to, or shopping when I know it will make me contract.
So now I only have 2 classes: anthropology and O Chem I. Anthro is okay, I keep doing worse and worse for some reason in that class, but who gives a crap now- oh, that's another thing that's changed: before I'd freak if I was getting a B; now I don't give a crap. I'm just trying to survive this semester without failing a class. O Chem seems to be stable for me, averaging C+ to B. I'm not sure what my final grade will be for lecture, but I think I've gotten an A in chem lab, and that makes me happy. I only have to go back to school on the 17th for a final in Chem lecture and then I'll be done with the semester.
I have done nothing to prepare for this little one. It helps to have money, I suppose. And that's something we don't have right now. Definitely next weekend we'll be setting everything up. I have a feeling this kiddo might come the day after my last final. Not sure why, I just do.
I think that's all for now. I'm tired and need to sleep. I'll write when I have more time.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Here we go again
School started about 2 weeks ago and I already feel overwhelmed. I'm only taking 12 credits but it's enough to keep me very busy. I'm taking Organic Chemistry I, Genetics, and Physical Anthropology. The classes are great and I enjoy reading the material, but holy hannah... there's a lot to learn, and not enough time to do it.
My work schedule also changed, so now I work friday and saturday night, off sunday, then again monday and tuesday night. Sure, I only work part time and I have 9 days off bi-weekly, but it kills to work that many in a row. I did it to myself, hoping that I would be able to spend the weekends with my family, but I still spent the whole day two saturdays ago at the county library doing homework... and I still didn't get it all done. I get more accomplished while I'm at work- good thing I'm expedient with my work load, but I'm very tired, especially on the tuesdays that I work. Working all night, then sleeping for just a few hours, then going to class, then going back to work for another 12 hr shift is draining. But what do you do, right?
Being pregnant and taking care of a toddler and going to school full-time, as well as working and doing volunteer work has been... well, tough. I thought I'd be able to handle it like I used to, but man, does pregnancy just drain every ounce of energy out of me! I was on Metoprolol for my heart condition that I get with pregnancy, but it made me so sleepy I couldn't even function. I had four meltdowns in less than one week because I couldn't keep my eyes open and still had to study and do everything. It was awful. Now I'm on Digoxin and it's been great, but still I suffer from fatigue from the pregnancy itself, and it's hard. It's not that I don't wish I wasn't pregnant, because in reality, if I were to have a second child any time in my life, it would have to be now anyway, it's just that with everything, it makes it nearly impossible to get anything accomplished. I feel like everything is derailing out of control again- it's like trying to keep a mudslide from sliding further down a hill- and I'm not sure how to get everything under control. Maybe I am doing too much, maybe not. Maybe I need more energy to keep going during the day... or maybe I just need to stop everything and just work... go to school when the kids are older... *sigh* I guess I get discouraged because I'm not a straight A student like I wish I was. My GPA is not that great- still okay, but not above national average for medical school applicants- and that bothers me. I don't know if the medical school committees will look at my application and say, "Her grades aren't the best, so we'll skip her for now" or "Wow, look at what all she's done, and even though her grades aren't the best, she still managed to keep doing everything else through her personal responsibilities." I hate these moments. I wish I could look into the future and figure out where I'm lacking so I can do better. I want to be a great mom, a great student, a great wife, and a great worker, but apparently I'm not super woman, and can't be great at everything. That's depressing.
Aside from school stuff, life at home is okay. We moved this last summer into a house with central air. Can I just say how much of a blessing that is? I love central air. It's like... I can live in Alaska-like conditions if I want haha My son is in daycare for 20 hrs/week, while I'm in school - that's really roughly how many hours I spend just going to school and sitting in class, totally absurd... He really enjoys it and looks forward to going and always says how much fun he had with "Missa" (Melissa, his teacher). I'm glad he can get away and socialize with other kids and not be home all the time. It's affordable as well, which is a nice plus.
Anyway. I think I'll stop for now. I just had to get on here and write something just so I can get everything off my chest. I'll write again another time.
My work schedule also changed, so now I work friday and saturday night, off sunday, then again monday and tuesday night. Sure, I only work part time and I have 9 days off bi-weekly, but it kills to work that many in a row. I did it to myself, hoping that I would be able to spend the weekends with my family, but I still spent the whole day two saturdays ago at the county library doing homework... and I still didn't get it all done. I get more accomplished while I'm at work- good thing I'm expedient with my work load, but I'm very tired, especially on the tuesdays that I work. Working all night, then sleeping for just a few hours, then going to class, then going back to work for another 12 hr shift is draining. But what do you do, right?
Being pregnant and taking care of a toddler and going to school full-time, as well as working and doing volunteer work has been... well, tough. I thought I'd be able to handle it like I used to, but man, does pregnancy just drain every ounce of energy out of me! I was on Metoprolol for my heart condition that I get with pregnancy, but it made me so sleepy I couldn't even function. I had four meltdowns in less than one week because I couldn't keep my eyes open and still had to study and do everything. It was awful. Now I'm on Digoxin and it's been great, but still I suffer from fatigue from the pregnancy itself, and it's hard. It's not that I don't wish I wasn't pregnant, because in reality, if I were to have a second child any time in my life, it would have to be now anyway, it's just that with everything, it makes it nearly impossible to get anything accomplished. I feel like everything is derailing out of control again- it's like trying to keep a mudslide from sliding further down a hill- and I'm not sure how to get everything under control. Maybe I am doing too much, maybe not. Maybe I need more energy to keep going during the day... or maybe I just need to stop everything and just work... go to school when the kids are older... *sigh* I guess I get discouraged because I'm not a straight A student like I wish I was. My GPA is not that great- still okay, but not above national average for medical school applicants- and that bothers me. I don't know if the medical school committees will look at my application and say, "Her grades aren't the best, so we'll skip her for now" or "Wow, look at what all she's done, and even though her grades aren't the best, she still managed to keep doing everything else through her personal responsibilities." I hate these moments. I wish I could look into the future and figure out where I'm lacking so I can do better. I want to be a great mom, a great student, a great wife, and a great worker, but apparently I'm not super woman, and can't be great at everything. That's depressing.
Aside from school stuff, life at home is okay. We moved this last summer into a house with central air. Can I just say how much of a blessing that is? I love central air. It's like... I can live in Alaska-like conditions if I want haha My son is in daycare for 20 hrs/week, while I'm in school - that's really roughly how many hours I spend just going to school and sitting in class, totally absurd... He really enjoys it and looks forward to going and always says how much fun he had with "Missa" (Melissa, his teacher). I'm glad he can get away and socialize with other kids and not be home all the time. It's affordable as well, which is a nice plus.
Anyway. I think I'll stop for now. I just had to get on here and write something just so I can get everything off my chest. I'll write again another time.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Where has time gone?
I think the last time I posted on here was May 30th... holy cow. Time for some updates, because there are many.
First and foremost, I knew this during my last post but didn't say anything because we're waiting to spread the news the old fashioned way: word of mouth. My husband and I are expecting baby #2.
Yeah, a second baby.
Another baby.
Wait, did I say baby #2?!
What?! How could this happen?!
I was more than shocked... I think I must've had an out of body experience when I read that the HCG test was positive. We shared the news with our family when I was 8 weeks along, because my abdominal muscles decided to give up, and I started to show very early, and I didn't want them to think that I was growing a tumor or eating too many doughnuts during my free time. They were all confused when we broke the news... I don't blame them. If you're told something for a while and you're adamant about it, then you hear the opposite, you're bound to be confused.
And I'm not happy. Should I be? I think I should, but when I've got this much going on in my life- a toddler that wears me out just by looking at him, a pre-med school load, and work- I think I have the right to not be happy about a second pregnancy. I'm terrified out of my mind, not only because I'll have to go through all the sleepless nights all over again, all the breastfeeding, all the pumping, all the baby food... and now put a toddler with that, and try studying for the MCAT at the same time... it's a scary thought.
I'm due Jan 13th, which is also tough- spring semester starts around or on the 10th, and that is just awful timing. I'm hoping to go either very early in the month or on my due date exactly. I have to be there the first few days of classes to explain myself for not coming for a week.
In some lesser exciting news, well... it's all good. My brother returned home from an LDS mission in Japan and he's living with us. My mom moved to Texas 2 weeks ago and that's why he's hanging out in our place until January, which is when he's starting school, and will be moving down to the dorms. It's fun to have him around; he's awesome and very helpful. My dad also came from Brazil with his wife and spent 2 weeks visiting with us. It was so nice to see him after 2 years. We hung out a lot and went to Vegas for 3 days so my dad could see the Bellagio fountains. The smile on his face while we watched the show made the trip and the 110F weather totally worth it :)
And... last but not least... we're moving. Yup, this weekend. I've been volunteering for this hospice company and my volunteer director happened to be wanting to rent out her new house. She gave us a killer deal for it, and we couldn't pass up on it. We had to move anyway- I was not about to do it during fall semester- so we decided to take the plunge and go for it now. Now if I could just get the motivation to pack my house, it'd help a lot. I've been super tired and all I want to do is sleep, so it's tough to pack when you're in bed. It's got a fenced-in backyard and we're so excited for our son to play back there when he feels like it. It also has a 2 car garage, which means I won't have to deal with getting to my car and putting the kids in while it's snowing/raining outside. My husband is very thrilled and we know it'll be a great place for our family.
So....... school, eh?
It starts in less than a month, and I pray for help from the Lord. Walking around a huge campus, on a hill, and pregnant, won't be very fun. I'm taking O Chem I, Genetics, and an Anthropology class (online). I was going to take two Anthropology classes and not Genetics, but I decided to go ahead and do it before I added a second child to the picture. It's supposed to be a hard class and I wanted to get it out of the way. It'll be tough, but at the end I'll be glad I will have gotten it done. Plus it's Genetics... and I love it!
First and foremost, I knew this during my last post but didn't say anything because we're waiting to spread the news the old fashioned way: word of mouth. My husband and I are expecting baby #2.
Yeah, a second baby.
Another baby.
Wait, did I say baby #2?!
What?! How could this happen?!
I was more than shocked... I think I must've had an out of body experience when I read that the HCG test was positive. We shared the news with our family when I was 8 weeks along, because my abdominal muscles decided to give up, and I started to show very early, and I didn't want them to think that I was growing a tumor or eating too many doughnuts during my free time. They were all confused when we broke the news... I don't blame them. If you're told something for a while and you're adamant about it, then you hear the opposite, you're bound to be confused.
And I'm not happy. Should I be? I think I should, but when I've got this much going on in my life- a toddler that wears me out just by looking at him, a pre-med school load, and work- I think I have the right to not be happy about a second pregnancy. I'm terrified out of my mind, not only because I'll have to go through all the sleepless nights all over again, all the breastfeeding, all the pumping, all the baby food... and now put a toddler with that, and try studying for the MCAT at the same time... it's a scary thought.
I'm due Jan 13th, which is also tough- spring semester starts around or on the 10th, and that is just awful timing. I'm hoping to go either very early in the month or on my due date exactly. I have to be there the first few days of classes to explain myself for not coming for a week.
In some lesser exciting news, well... it's all good. My brother returned home from an LDS mission in Japan and he's living with us. My mom moved to Texas 2 weeks ago and that's why he's hanging out in our place until January, which is when he's starting school, and will be moving down to the dorms. It's fun to have him around; he's awesome and very helpful. My dad also came from Brazil with his wife and spent 2 weeks visiting with us. It was so nice to see him after 2 years. We hung out a lot and went to Vegas for 3 days so my dad could see the Bellagio fountains. The smile on his face while we watched the show made the trip and the 110F weather totally worth it :)
And... last but not least... we're moving. Yup, this weekend. I've been volunteering for this hospice company and my volunteer director happened to be wanting to rent out her new house. She gave us a killer deal for it, and we couldn't pass up on it. We had to move anyway- I was not about to do it during fall semester- so we decided to take the plunge and go for it now. Now if I could just get the motivation to pack my house, it'd help a lot. I've been super tired and all I want to do is sleep, so it's tough to pack when you're in bed. It's got a fenced-in backyard and we're so excited for our son to play back there when he feels like it. It also has a 2 car garage, which means I won't have to deal with getting to my car and putting the kids in while it's snowing/raining outside. My husband is very thrilled and we know it'll be a great place for our family.
So....... school, eh?
It starts in less than a month, and I pray for help from the Lord. Walking around a huge campus, on a hill, and pregnant, won't be very fun. I'm taking O Chem I, Genetics, and an Anthropology class (online). I was going to take two Anthropology classes and not Genetics, but I decided to go ahead and do it before I added a second child to the picture. It's supposed to be a hard class and I wanted to get it out of the way. It'll be tough, but at the end I'll be glad I will have gotten it done. Plus it's Genetics... and I love it!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Booooored
It's been a while since I last wrote in here... since I consider this my journal, this isn't any different than my real notebook journal at home. I think it's been at least a year or so since I wrote in that thing. Looks like the bad habit is transferring here too!
So school's been out for almost a month now, and it's been one heck of a roller coaster for us:
1) Our condo went up on the market at the beginning of this month, and so far we've only had one person come look at it, which turned out to be nothing because they put an offer somewhere else. Sad. The market is really slow, but we're not giving up hope yet.
2) I got my grades back! And I made the Dean's List for the second semester in a row, although my GPA was less than decent (3.51GPA).... So sickening. But better than what I thought they would be:
Anthropology Research: A
Calculus I: A
Gen Chem I Lecture: B
Gen Chem I Lab: B+
Physiology: B+
Yeah, yeah, that looks fine, but in my book, that's disgusting. I needed at least a 3.7GPA to be happy with myself. But whatever, it was the most horrible semester YET, I'm glad I made out alive. Apparently to make the Dean's List you need at least a 3.5GPA taking at least 12 credits. Well, let's hope to do this again next semester.
3) The cat we had gotten for my son turned out to be a disobedient little kitty who likes to bite and play (very) rough, so I had to turn him back into the Humane Society. It was a sad day, not because we got rid of the cat, but because of how Jacen would feel about the cat being gone. He still looks for the cat, saying "Kitty?? Kitty?" all over the house, and despite having to explain to him that Hercules wasn't living with us anymore and was going to hang out with other kitties, he is still too little to understand. So it breaks our hearts when he asks to watch the kitty movie, and puts a huge smile on his face when he watches little videos of him playing with the cat, but it had to be done. Ugh.
4) I've been looking for volunteering things to do. I was supposed to have an interview with a hospice company this past wednesday but had to cancel due to a horrendous cold. I'm hoping to start soon so I can get some volunteer hours in this summer. And the best thing is that I can bring my son with me for it, and that's awesome. I'd basically just be visiting residents and talking to them, and keeping them entertained. Sounds like a fun opportunity, and I'm excited to get started!
5) I started to exercise and eat healthier, and I bought a jogging stroller from a friend of mine, and I began taking my son with me to the park, and it's been nice. I haven't been in a week because of this cold, but I plan on returning as soon as possible. Then my husband had been doing some extra work at his job and they gave him a $75 gift certificate to Best Buy, and he bought Wii Fit Plus! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I've only been able to play with it once, but I want to use it more from now on. There's some way fun games on it and I'm thrilled! I've always wanted one.
I think that's it for now... it's gotten too long already.
So school's been out for almost a month now, and it's been one heck of a roller coaster for us:
1) Our condo went up on the market at the beginning of this month, and so far we've only had one person come look at it, which turned out to be nothing because they put an offer somewhere else. Sad. The market is really slow, but we're not giving up hope yet.
2) I got my grades back! And I made the Dean's List for the second semester in a row, although my GPA was less than decent (3.51GPA).... So sickening. But better than what I thought they would be:
Anthropology Research: A
Calculus I: A
Gen Chem I Lecture: B
Gen Chem I Lab: B+
Physiology: B+
Yeah, yeah, that looks fine, but in my book, that's disgusting. I needed at least a 3.7GPA to be happy with myself. But whatever, it was the most horrible semester YET, I'm glad I made out alive. Apparently to make the Dean's List you need at least a 3.5GPA taking at least 12 credits. Well, let's hope to do this again next semester.
3) The cat we had gotten for my son turned out to be a disobedient little kitty who likes to bite and play (very) rough, so I had to turn him back into the Humane Society. It was a sad day, not because we got rid of the cat, but because of how Jacen would feel about the cat being gone. He still looks for the cat, saying "Kitty?? Kitty?" all over the house, and despite having to explain to him that Hercules wasn't living with us anymore and was going to hang out with other kitties, he is still too little to understand. So it breaks our hearts when he asks to watch the kitty movie, and puts a huge smile on his face when he watches little videos of him playing with the cat, but it had to be done. Ugh.
4) I've been looking for volunteering things to do. I was supposed to have an interview with a hospice company this past wednesday but had to cancel due to a horrendous cold. I'm hoping to start soon so I can get some volunteer hours in this summer. And the best thing is that I can bring my son with me for it, and that's awesome. I'd basically just be visiting residents and talking to them, and keeping them entertained. Sounds like a fun opportunity, and I'm excited to get started!
5) I started to exercise and eat healthier, and I bought a jogging stroller from a friend of mine, and I began taking my son with me to the park, and it's been nice. I haven't been in a week because of this cold, but I plan on returning as soon as possible. Then my husband had been doing some extra work at his job and they gave him a $75 gift certificate to Best Buy, and he bought Wii Fit Plus! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I've only been able to play with it once, but I want to use it more from now on. There's some way fun games on it and I'm thrilled! I've always wanted one.
I think that's it for now... it's gotten too long already.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Well, here it is...
I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my life lately and I decided it was time to make a serious decision about school and life in general.
This semester was the worst semester I've ever had in college. And honestly, the last year of college has been the worst ever. I've been drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried my whole life put together. I felt like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, and a lousy student. I pretty much lost contact with the world and my friends. I stopped hanging out with my husband just so I could study, and yet, my grades still looked horrible.
Many times I forgot to pray, or read my scriptures (I'm LDS for those who don't know). I can't even say how long it's been since I cracked my scriptures open. I haven't been to church in over a year, first by choice (long story) then when I did want to go, I couldn't, because I started working every weekend. I'm ashamed I've gone this far out without realizing it. It takes one slip for things to go downhill FAST.
So now I find myself in a situation I never dreamed of being. I'm "inactive", if you want to call it that, when I really don't want to be, I'm short-tempered and anything that goes wrong sets me off, and overall I'm burnt out. I always heard the term being "burnt out", but didn't actually experience it until now. We're short selling my house because I had to go down to part-time and financially we can't afford it anymore. Things have pretty much fallen to pieces and I've been trying to glue them back together with water acting as the glue... it's not working so well.
Then there's this whole deal about having another baby.... *sigh*. If I slow down, would I want to have another one? Would I be able to deal with a second one? In the back of my mind I keep hearing, "You should have another one, for the sake of your child", but yet, I think about the first few months of having a new baby and how my life had been turned upside down and how miserable it was. And still is. Motherhood does not come easily to me, and it's hard work! But I wonder if it would've been any easier if I hadn't been school? I'm sure, but how much easier?! I see pregnant women and somehow envy them... then immediately I think, "Fun now, wait until delivery. You'll be a zombie". That's crazy! I can't figure out what I want! But I know why: it's because I have no guidance from the Heavens. I've forgotten to pray for help. I've gotten so used to just doing everything on my own that I stopped asking. I didn't want to bother God with menial requests such as "Please, Heavenly Father, give me the strength to survive from 6am until 11pm or later tonight, just so I can do it again and again this week..." or "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Jacen stop throwing food on the floor, I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with that right now". So isn't this what prayers are for? God is there to help me with the tedious requests, but somehow, I didn't think it was important enough. The only times I prayed were to bless the food when we ate meals, before bed, and while sitting in school just about to take a test. That's it. How pathetic.
So I had to come with a way to prioritize the important things in my life. What are obviously the vital things in my life that I'm missing? First of all, the consistency of the Gospel in my life. That has been by far the worst for me; not to be able to go to church or take my family to church. Spiritually I'm starved, and it's showing all over the map. And secondly, my family. I would go two weeks or more not putting my son to bed every night because I would study or have class, or both. I miss my husband. He's has been such a great support to me, and yet, I can't even spend time with him to thank him for everything he has been doing for me and for our family. School comes in third (believe it or not!), and I've been doing horrible in that department as well. Screwing up with the first two priorities made me unhappy enough to not be successful with my third priority because I had made school top priority, and it shouldn't have been that way.
I thought a lot about my choices of what to do with school and after writing down all the pros and cons of graduating on time or later, I found that the pros of delaying graduation had a much longer list than the cons. Staying on track had more pros than cons as well, but the cons were more important to me. I HATE the thought of delaying graduation, but I don't want my life to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I feel like I fell into this empty, dark and musky well and didn't ask to be rescued. But now I do, and the only way out of it is by climbing all the way up by myself. No one can do it for me. I have to. And if takes relying on the Lord for help, so be it. I must learn to not be so stubborn and ask for help. Therefore, I decided to delay graduation by a year. It hurts to make this decision but it's for the best. I won't have to be taking a ton of hard classes at the same time and I can devote time to going to church and taking care of my family like I should, and still have time to work on my education and all the extracurricular stuff that I still need to get done. Plus I'll have an extra year to study for the MCAT, which is always nice.
There. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it. Helps to have it written down so I don't change my mind, it's like if I were to write it in stone :P
This semester was the worst semester I've ever had in college. And honestly, the last year of college has been the worst ever. I've been drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried my whole life put together. I felt like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, and a lousy student. I pretty much lost contact with the world and my friends. I stopped hanging out with my husband just so I could study, and yet, my grades still looked horrible.
Many times I forgot to pray, or read my scriptures (I'm LDS for those who don't know). I can't even say how long it's been since I cracked my scriptures open. I haven't been to church in over a year, first by choice (long story) then when I did want to go, I couldn't, because I started working every weekend. I'm ashamed I've gone this far out without realizing it. It takes one slip for things to go downhill FAST.
So now I find myself in a situation I never dreamed of being. I'm "inactive", if you want to call it that, when I really don't want to be, I'm short-tempered and anything that goes wrong sets me off, and overall I'm burnt out. I always heard the term being "burnt out", but didn't actually experience it until now. We're short selling my house because I had to go down to part-time and financially we can't afford it anymore. Things have pretty much fallen to pieces and I've been trying to glue them back together with water acting as the glue... it's not working so well.
Then there's this whole deal about having another baby.... *sigh*. If I slow down, would I want to have another one? Would I be able to deal with a second one? In the back of my mind I keep hearing, "You should have another one, for the sake of your child", but yet, I think about the first few months of having a new baby and how my life had been turned upside down and how miserable it was. And still is. Motherhood does not come easily to me, and it's hard work! But I wonder if it would've been any easier if I hadn't been school? I'm sure, but how much easier?! I see pregnant women and somehow envy them... then immediately I think, "Fun now, wait until delivery. You'll be a zombie". That's crazy! I can't figure out what I want! But I know why: it's because I have no guidance from the Heavens. I've forgotten to pray for help. I've gotten so used to just doing everything on my own that I stopped asking. I didn't want to bother God with menial requests such as "Please, Heavenly Father, give me the strength to survive from 6am until 11pm or later tonight, just so I can do it again and again this week..." or "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Jacen stop throwing food on the floor, I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with that right now". So isn't this what prayers are for? God is there to help me with the tedious requests, but somehow, I didn't think it was important enough. The only times I prayed were to bless the food when we ate meals, before bed, and while sitting in school just about to take a test. That's it. How pathetic.
So I had to come with a way to prioritize the important things in my life. What are obviously the vital things in my life that I'm missing? First of all, the consistency of the Gospel in my life. That has been by far the worst for me; not to be able to go to church or take my family to church. Spiritually I'm starved, and it's showing all over the map. And secondly, my family. I would go two weeks or more not putting my son to bed every night because I would study or have class, or both. I miss my husband. He's has been such a great support to me, and yet, I can't even spend time with him to thank him for everything he has been doing for me and for our family. School comes in third (believe it or not!), and I've been doing horrible in that department as well. Screwing up with the first two priorities made me unhappy enough to not be successful with my third priority because I had made school top priority, and it shouldn't have been that way.
I thought a lot about my choices of what to do with school and after writing down all the pros and cons of graduating on time or later, I found that the pros of delaying graduation had a much longer list than the cons. Staying on track had more pros than cons as well, but the cons were more important to me. I HATE the thought of delaying graduation, but I don't want my life to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I feel like I fell into this empty, dark and musky well and didn't ask to be rescued. But now I do, and the only way out of it is by climbing all the way up by myself. No one can do it for me. I have to. And if takes relying on the Lord for help, so be it. I must learn to not be so stubborn and ask for help. Therefore, I decided to delay graduation by a year. It hurts to make this decision but it's for the best. I won't have to be taking a ton of hard classes at the same time and I can devote time to going to church and taking care of my family like I should, and still have time to work on my education and all the extracurricular stuff that I still need to get done. Plus I'll have an extra year to study for the MCAT, which is always nice.
There. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it. Helps to have it written down so I don't change my mind, it's like if I were to write it in stone :P
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