As the semester is nearing, and about to show its beasty, ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I'm thinking clearly. And I mean "clearly" as in maybe I'm truly crazy.
Perhaps it's mommy guilt again, but every once in a while, I feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this. I feel like I'm not cut out for a career in medicine and that I should be at home taking care of gosh knows how many kids. I look at my son and think, "How sad is that he'll grow up without having a mommy next to him, and helping him whenever he needs?" Obviously med school isn't time consuming in such a way that you don't even get time to go to the bathroom or eat a meal, but still, it's busy. And I know a lot of parents who attend med school do have time to spend with their kids, one way or another, and yet, I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand that I'll have time (a little of it) to spend with my son. And what makes me even more sad (that's the worst part of the guilt) is that he'll go through most of his whole childhood and have no recollection of his mom ever being home, that is, once I decide on a specialty and become a resident, I'll hardly ever be home, and if I am, I'll be sleeping.
Then, on the other hand, I look at other moms who don't work and are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids full-time, and I wonder how they do it. Really. How can they handle not doing anything for themselves and focusing all of their time and energy to their kids and husbands? Possibly, they do something for themselves but it's hardly ever heard of because it's always so private (such as painting, writing, etc.)... I wonder why that is. I HAVE to do something for myself. What's the point of getting an Associate's or Bachelor's degree if you're not going to use it?! In addition, I feel like I must be needed outside of my own home to make my life fulfilling. I wish I could just settle for the easier route and be a SAHM, but mentally, I'd go crazy (although I do envy SAHMs sometimes).
But anyway... how do pre-med moms and moms in med school find balance in their lives? Obviously there's sacrifice of something (sometimes time with husbands, time for themselves, time for their kids, or time to clean the house), and it's hard to decide what to sacrifice. I find that I sacrifice a lot of time with my husband, and that's not good, therefore I have to work on it. I have to learn that letting the house get a bit dirty is okay and that not being on Facebook as long as I'd like is acceptable.
There's got to be some sort of strong support system, though, in and outside of the home, to make it all work. I think it helps a lot to have someone (mostly a family member) that is available to watch kids or what not if the mom needs to go to school and the father is at work. It's hard for me because I only have two family members that are close, but only my mother in law is willing to watch my son at a moment's notice, and it's only in the evenings. It's pretty difficult to want to stay in school when it's that hard to find a babysitter. This last week I was super worried (and still am) that I can't find a babysitter for Tuesday mornings. I only have two more days to find a babysitter before I end up having to drop out of Chemistry if I can't find one. That will make me cry. The good news is that my friend who watched my son last semester of friday afternoons is willing to do it again this semester with no pay. She's such an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her help.
I hope I can make it through this semester and come out on top. I always have this huge fear that everything will fall apart and that all my hard work will go to waste... I'm so depressed and the semester hasn't even started yet. That's a sign of trouble.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Ready? Wait... not yet.
I hope everyone's holidays went well. Ours went fine. I had to work half-shift (6 hrs) on Christmas Eve, which wasn't a big deal. We stayed in town for all of the holidays which was nice. We were supposed to go up to the mountains for New Years with a few friends but that didn't work out. So we hung out nearby with some friends and it was great! I got to take care of a few things, and that is always awesome with me.
My final GPA for last semester ended up being a 3.92. Yeah, not the 4.0 I was expecting, but it was close. I got A's in all my classes but Chemistry (A-). I was pretty ticked off considering I worked so hard in that class, I thought for sure he was going to curve. Oh well. But the thing that bothers me is the 3.92 on my transcript. Obviously this is the best semester in college I've had yet, but the 3.92 clearly says "You were perfect... but not perfect enough". Grr.
Spring semester starts on monday and I'm already chewing on my fingernails. I'm super nervous. I transferred to the 4-yr university and today I got my student ID, train pass, and parking pass all taken care of. Then I walked into the student building to talk to the financial office personnel about my financial aid. I pretty much have to have tuition covered 100% by government-funded federal grants in order to pay for tuition. Just this past monday I found out I still had a few documents I needed to turn in, so I went there today to do just that. I was pleasantly informed that it would take 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed, and another 2-3 weeks for the money to be disbursed into my account. Tuition is due on the 25th. I think I may punch hole through a wall! I can't believe I wasn't aware of that. Now I may have to temporarily drop out of school and wait until summer semester to go back to school... however, the big problem with this plan is that I may have to re-apply for school and then it'll put me a whole year behind in applying for medical school because I won't have finished the Chemistry series by then, and if so, my summer will suck. *deep breath* I'm just going to pray that my money will miraculously come through in time for the tuition deadline. Cross your fingers for me, will ya?!
Until then, I'll go to school and pretend nothing's happening. I still have to get my books. I got a nice, cute new backpack (first backpack I've had since 9th grade!!!) and I'm getting my Ipod updated with songs to keep me entertained while I walk (it's a HUGE campus). I also got a new scarf and gloves - it's very cold here, every day is below freezing. My backpack, Ipod, and scarf and gloves are all pink. I don't know how that happened because pink is definitely not my favorite color. Even this background is pink. What the heck?!....
My final GPA for last semester ended up being a 3.92. Yeah, not the 4.0 I was expecting, but it was close. I got A's in all my classes but Chemistry (A-). I was pretty ticked off considering I worked so hard in that class, I thought for sure he was going to curve. Oh well. But the thing that bothers me is the 3.92 on my transcript. Obviously this is the best semester in college I've had yet, but the 3.92 clearly says "You were perfect... but not perfect enough". Grr.
Spring semester starts on monday and I'm already chewing on my fingernails. I'm super nervous. I transferred to the 4-yr university and today I got my student ID, train pass, and parking pass all taken care of. Then I walked into the student building to talk to the financial office personnel about my financial aid. I pretty much have to have tuition covered 100% by government-funded federal grants in order to pay for tuition. Just this past monday I found out I still had a few documents I needed to turn in, so I went there today to do just that. I was pleasantly informed that it would take 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed, and another 2-3 weeks for the money to be disbursed into my account. Tuition is due on the 25th. I think I may punch hole through a wall! I can't believe I wasn't aware of that. Now I may have to temporarily drop out of school and wait until summer semester to go back to school... however, the big problem with this plan is that I may have to re-apply for school and then it'll put me a whole year behind in applying for medical school because I won't have finished the Chemistry series by then, and if so, my summer will suck. *deep breath* I'm just going to pray that my money will miraculously come through in time for the tuition deadline. Cross your fingers for me, will ya?!
Until then, I'll go to school and pretend nothing's happening. I still have to get my books. I got a nice, cute new backpack (first backpack I've had since 9th grade!!!) and I'm getting my Ipod updated with songs to keep me entertained while I walk (it's a HUGE campus). I also got a new scarf and gloves - it's very cold here, every day is below freezing. My backpack, Ipod, and scarf and gloves are all pink. I don't know how that happened because pink is definitely not my favorite color. Even this background is pink. What the heck?!....
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Finally... the end (for now!)
I'm so thrilled to have finished the semester on top of things. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I don't really study for finals, but I figured this time around I would just for the heck of it. And what a difference that made! I pulled all my grades up, and finished strong with a 4.0 GPA this semester. Usually there's always one class that screws up my perfect GPA every semester, but this time around it was all good.... well, I am getting ahead of myself because I still don't have a grade for my chemistry class (although I do from lab) so we'll see if I get to keep my straight "A" semester.
When I had met with my pre-med advisor, she informed me she wanted me to count my mentoring volunteering as my "Leadership" requirement for med school, and find something else to do for volunteering, which doesn't involve babies, or women (because I do so much with both populations). I looked and looked, but couldn't find anything except for making baby hats to newborns. It's the only thing I can do from home and not have to find a babysitter. I just may end up doing that unless I am able to find something else to do.
Now that I'm done with school, I'm REALLY bored. And the word "really" only expresses a small percentage of how bored I truly am. I feel like if my life isn't going 100mph, then I get bored. And I get lazy. For example: I clean my house from top to bottom every two weeks to the day, and I spot clean as needed in between (which is constantly since I'm a clean freak and borderline OCD about cleaning and organizing- it drives my husband nuts). This past week I was so lazy that I didn't clean until day 19. That's a long time. During those extra five days, I was constantly thinking about how I needed to clean, but didn't want to... I figured, "What the heck- I need a break. I can clean later." Plus I was diligently studying for finals, and felt like I could wait a couple of days. And then I thought that I may need to space out my daily chores and errand-running so I don't go one day without doing anything. I always feel like when I wake up in the morning, I should be doing something that day. I know, I'm weird, but I guess I'm a perfectionist and there's nothing I can do about that.
Speaking of spacing out my chores, I ended up Christmas shopping on friday. Now, let me tell ya something: I despise shopping so bad, the last two years I didn't start my Christmas shopping until the week of Christmas. I'm usually not a procrastinator, but when it comes to shopping, I'd rather get shot in the foot than have to go out and buy stuff. I believe it's because I'm such a thrifty person and grew up with not a whole lot, that I don't feel I need much more. Anyway. Got everyone shopped for except for my in-laws. Then I was told late friday night that my husband needed to go get a gift certificate for a gift exchange at work, and we ran out of money. So I guess his co-worker is getting something for Christmas and I'm not! Can't afford to buy for both. It sucks to be so financially tight.
This past week we also switched my son from a crib to a toddler bed. We figured it was time because our crib was one of the 2.1 million cribs that got recalled for having a dangerous drop-side, so I thought we might as well just take the whole side off and turn it into the toddler bed it's supposed to do. My son sleeps well in it and doesn't really get out. So far he hasn't rolled off, but I'm still looking to buy a cheap rail to put on there "just in case".
That's all for now, so I may write again during the week, and if not... Merry Christmas!
When I had met with my pre-med advisor, she informed me she wanted me to count my mentoring volunteering as my "Leadership" requirement for med school, and find something else to do for volunteering, which doesn't involve babies, or women (because I do so much with both populations). I looked and looked, but couldn't find anything except for making baby hats to newborns. It's the only thing I can do from home and not have to find a babysitter. I just may end up doing that unless I am able to find something else to do.
Now that I'm done with school, I'm REALLY bored. And the word "really" only expresses a small percentage of how bored I truly am. I feel like if my life isn't going 100mph, then I get bored. And I get lazy. For example: I clean my house from top to bottom every two weeks to the day, and I spot clean as needed in between (which is constantly since I'm a clean freak and borderline OCD about cleaning and organizing- it drives my husband nuts). This past week I was so lazy that I didn't clean until day 19. That's a long time. During those extra five days, I was constantly thinking about how I needed to clean, but didn't want to... I figured, "What the heck- I need a break. I can clean later." Plus I was diligently studying for finals, and felt like I could wait a couple of days. And then I thought that I may need to space out my daily chores and errand-running so I don't go one day without doing anything. I always feel like when I wake up in the morning, I should be doing something that day. I know, I'm weird, but I guess I'm a perfectionist and there's nothing I can do about that.
Speaking of spacing out my chores, I ended up Christmas shopping on friday. Now, let me tell ya something: I despise shopping so bad, the last two years I didn't start my Christmas shopping until the week of Christmas. I'm usually not a procrastinator, but when it comes to shopping, I'd rather get shot in the foot than have to go out and buy stuff. I believe it's because I'm such a thrifty person and grew up with not a whole lot, that I don't feel I need much more. Anyway. Got everyone shopped for except for my in-laws. Then I was told late friday night that my husband needed to go get a gift certificate for a gift exchange at work, and we ran out of money. So I guess his co-worker is getting something for Christmas and I'm not! Can't afford to buy for both. It sucks to be so financially tight.
This past week we also switched my son from a crib to a toddler bed. We figured it was time because our crib was one of the 2.1 million cribs that got recalled for having a dangerous drop-side, so I thought we might as well just take the whole side off and turn it into the toddler bed it's supposed to do. My son sleeps well in it and doesn't really get out. So far he hasn't rolled off, but I'm still looking to buy a cheap rail to put on there "just in case".
That's all for now, so I may write again during the week, and if not... Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Busy week!
Wow... less than one week until this semester is O-V-E-R!!!
Let's see... I'm busy with finals. But as you can tell, I'm blogging instead of studying. Oh well. I usually don't study for finals, but since I'm not working on general eds anymore, I should put forth an extra effort for getting a REALLY good grade on these classes that matter. Plus this cell biology final ain't gonna be pretty. I'm horrified.
I took my last exam for Anthropology this past week and that was a piece of cake- like always. I also finished up a take home final for Chem and turned it in on Thursday night. So I'm done with those two classes. I had to pass out my letter of recommendation packets this past week to my recommenders. I'm applying for three scholarships, and all of them require two letters of recommendations. Those packets were a pain to put together, but at least my recommenders won't have to do much except for writing the letters and sending them in the stamped, addressed envelopes I put in the packets.
Also, this past week, something really interesting happened: I was going to work on genome mapping next semester through the community college I currently attend, and I needed it to count as class up at the university I'm transferring to (because independent research counts as a class for my major). So I got in touch with the Anthropology Dept Chair and we got to emailing back and forth and I had told her that my research got published and that I wanted to continue it next semester... she writes me back and tells me that she sees potential in me and wants me to do real, human genetics research with this geneticist at the Dept of Human Genetics. Funny she says that because I look up information on this doctor, and he's an anthropologist that deals with a lot of genetics. BINGO. That's exactly what I'm interested in. I'm STOKED because this guy is a genius and has taught at both Yale and Harvard. I'm hoping I'll for sure be able to do my research under his supervision. I should know here in the next couple of weeks.
Then I ended up meeting with my premed advisor this week as well and I finalized my class schedule for next semester:
Gen Chem II
Genetics
Calc I
Independent Research
It'll be a busy semester and I'm worried because of babysitting issues on Tuesdays. I'm hoping a good soul will cross my way and I'll be able to leave my son with whomever is willing to watch him for free. My mom is about to move any week now and I won't have a reliable babysitter anymore :( This sucks!!!
My advisor is funny... well, not funny but interesting. I mean, she out of the blue asked me if I had kids, and obviously I had to say yes, but she said it was okay. I just have to work harder than other traditional students. It caught me off guard because I've always tried to conceal the fact that I had a child. I keep hearing from other premed moms and med students that med school faculty will think less of you for being a mom, and decide that because you are a mom, you don't have time to study or anything. It's conflicting information and I'm going to have to look into that some more. However, she introduced me to the AFFP and I'm going to apply for a membership. That can potentially be very helpful with my med school application and finding leadership opportunities.
Anyway. I think that's about it for now. I have a trig final coming up on tuesday evening and a cell bio final on wednesday morning. I'm a little scared but it'll be alright.
I still haven't bought anything for my husband or my son for Christmas yet and I'm running out of time! I think I'm just trying to push everything back until after finals, so I'll get all my shopping done then... it's not like it's anything different from past years :P
Let's see... I'm busy with finals. But as you can tell, I'm blogging instead of studying. Oh well. I usually don't study for finals, but since I'm not working on general eds anymore, I should put forth an extra effort for getting a REALLY good grade on these classes that matter. Plus this cell biology final ain't gonna be pretty. I'm horrified.
I took my last exam for Anthropology this past week and that was a piece of cake- like always. I also finished up a take home final for Chem and turned it in on Thursday night. So I'm done with those two classes. I had to pass out my letter of recommendation packets this past week to my recommenders. I'm applying for three scholarships, and all of them require two letters of recommendations. Those packets were a pain to put together, but at least my recommenders won't have to do much except for writing the letters and sending them in the stamped, addressed envelopes I put in the packets.
Also, this past week, something really interesting happened: I was going to work on genome mapping next semester through the community college I currently attend, and I needed it to count as class up at the university I'm transferring to (because independent research counts as a class for my major). So I got in touch with the Anthropology Dept Chair and we got to emailing back and forth and I had told her that my research got published and that I wanted to continue it next semester... she writes me back and tells me that she sees potential in me and wants me to do real, human genetics research with this geneticist at the Dept of Human Genetics. Funny she says that because I look up information on this doctor, and he's an anthropologist that deals with a lot of genetics. BINGO. That's exactly what I'm interested in. I'm STOKED because this guy is a genius and has taught at both Yale and Harvard. I'm hoping I'll for sure be able to do my research under his supervision. I should know here in the next couple of weeks.
Then I ended up meeting with my premed advisor this week as well and I finalized my class schedule for next semester:
Gen Chem II
Genetics
Calc I
Independent Research
It'll be a busy semester and I'm worried because of babysitting issues on Tuesdays. I'm hoping a good soul will cross my way and I'll be able to leave my son with whomever is willing to watch him for free. My mom is about to move any week now and I won't have a reliable babysitter anymore :( This sucks!!!
My advisor is funny... well, not funny but interesting. I mean, she out of the blue asked me if I had kids, and obviously I had to say yes, but she said it was okay. I just have to work harder than other traditional students. It caught me off guard because I've always tried to conceal the fact that I had a child. I keep hearing from other premed moms and med students that med school faculty will think less of you for being a mom, and decide that because you are a mom, you don't have time to study or anything. It's conflicting information and I'm going to have to look into that some more. However, she introduced me to the AFFP and I'm going to apply for a membership. That can potentially be very helpful with my med school application and finding leadership opportunities.
Anyway. I think that's about it for now. I have a trig final coming up on tuesday evening and a cell bio final on wednesday morning. I'm a little scared but it'll be alright.
I still haven't bought anything for my husband or my son for Christmas yet and I'm running out of time! I think I'm just trying to push everything back until after finals, so I'll get all my shopping done then... it's not like it's anything different from past years :P
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Research: done!
The biggest news this week is that my research is getting PUBLISHED!!! I'm so thrilled I can hardly stand myself! I've been bouncing off the walls for two days now... it's an amazing feeling to know that I can accomplish something that monumental and still be doing everything else- being a mom, working full time, going to school full time... I think it felt even better to know I'm capable of doing something like this while people thought I was a nutcase for having so much on my plate. It goes to show that anything is possible. If you put enough effort into it and you don't take your eyes of the goal, and determination is always there, you can do anything you set your mind to.
Which brings me to another point: if you thought this semester was bad, look at mine for next semester. I may just have to turn myself into a psych ward after it's all said and done:
Physiology
Gen Chem II
2 Anthropology classes
Calc I
and independent research (again)
Call me crazy, but I think I can do it, given I get enough help with babysitting. Plus I'll be dropping to part time work (thank the heavens!), so it'll make this whole thing a lot easier. I'm worried, however, because classes won't be so close to me anymore like they are right now, and they're on a university level, which just complicates everything. Dang it all!!!! But would I trade any of it? Never!
In other news, Chem lab is done and DONE! I was so happy to turn in my final paperwork for that class on thursday. To celebrate my research getting published and finishing chem lab, my family and I went bowling. It was really fun... well, there was a bit of trouble to start with, but mostly, it was good to do something with them. Even though they're crazy. HAHA
I've got three exams coming up this next week. I'm terrified. I'm just going to try managing not to get a D+ on my trig exam like I did last time... that was really embarrassing. And he's not letting us use a 3x5 card like he has been because he wants us to get used to testing without it for the final, so that could potentially be disastrous.
Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is why there aren't a lot more moms out there that follow their dreams after they get married and have kids. Just because you have kids and have to change 20 diapers/day, it doesn't mean you can give up on your own life. I understand some moms are content with doing just that for the rest of their lives, which is fine (more power to ya!) but for those who miss it and blame it on motherhood for not fulfilling those dreams... come on! Seriously! That should not be an excuse, but more of a power to drive that desire.
That's at least how I work, anyway. If someone tells me I can't do it, it gives me even more motivation to prove them wrong.
Which brings me to another point: if you thought this semester was bad, look at mine for next semester. I may just have to turn myself into a psych ward after it's all said and done:
Physiology
Gen Chem II
2 Anthropology classes
Calc I
and independent research (again)
Call me crazy, but I think I can do it, given I get enough help with babysitting. Plus I'll be dropping to part time work (thank the heavens!), so it'll make this whole thing a lot easier. I'm worried, however, because classes won't be so close to me anymore like they are right now, and they're on a university level, which just complicates everything. Dang it all!!!! But would I trade any of it? Never!
In other news, Chem lab is done and DONE! I was so happy to turn in my final paperwork for that class on thursday. To celebrate my research getting published and finishing chem lab, my family and I went bowling. It was really fun... well, there was a bit of trouble to start with, but mostly, it was good to do something with them. Even though they're crazy. HAHA
I've got three exams coming up this next week. I'm terrified. I'm just going to try managing not to get a D+ on my trig exam like I did last time... that was really embarrassing. And he's not letting us use a 3x5 card like he has been because he wants us to get used to testing without it for the final, so that could potentially be disastrous.
Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is why there aren't a lot more moms out there that follow their dreams after they get married and have kids. Just because you have kids and have to change 20 diapers/day, it doesn't mean you can give up on your own life. I understand some moms are content with doing just that for the rest of their lives, which is fine (more power to ya!) but for those who miss it and blame it on motherhood for not fulfilling those dreams... come on! Seriously! That should not be an excuse, but more of a power to drive that desire.
That's at least how I work, anyway. If someone tells me I can't do it, it gives me even more motivation to prove them wrong.
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