As the semester is nearing, and about to show its beasty, ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I'm thinking clearly. And I mean "clearly" as in maybe I'm truly crazy.
Perhaps it's mommy guilt again, but every once in a while, I feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this. I feel like I'm not cut out for a career in medicine and that I should be at home taking care of gosh knows how many kids. I look at my son and think, "How sad is that he'll grow up without having a mommy next to him, and helping him whenever he needs?" Obviously med school isn't time consuming in such a way that you don't even get time to go to the bathroom or eat a meal, but still, it's busy. And I know a lot of parents who attend med school do have time to spend with their kids, one way or another, and yet, I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand that I'll have time (a little of it) to spend with my son. And what makes me even more sad (that's the worst part of the guilt) is that he'll go through most of his whole childhood and have no recollection of his mom ever being home, that is, once I decide on a specialty and become a resident, I'll hardly ever be home, and if I am, I'll be sleeping.
Then, on the other hand, I look at other moms who don't work and are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids full-time, and I wonder how they do it. Really. How can they handle not doing anything for themselves and focusing all of their time and energy to their kids and husbands? Possibly, they do something for themselves but it's hardly ever heard of because it's always so private (such as painting, writing, etc.)... I wonder why that is. I HAVE to do something for myself. What's the point of getting an Associate's or Bachelor's degree if you're not going to use it?! In addition, I feel like I must be needed outside of my own home to make my life fulfilling. I wish I could just settle for the easier route and be a SAHM, but mentally, I'd go crazy (although I do envy SAHMs sometimes).
But anyway... how do pre-med moms and moms in med school find balance in their lives? Obviously there's sacrifice of something (sometimes time with husbands, time for themselves, time for their kids, or time to clean the house), and it's hard to decide what to sacrifice. I find that I sacrifice a lot of time with my husband, and that's not good, therefore I have to work on it. I have to learn that letting the house get a bit dirty is okay and that not being on Facebook as long as I'd like is acceptable.
There's got to be some sort of strong support system, though, in and outside of the home, to make it all work. I think it helps a lot to have someone (mostly a family member) that is available to watch kids or what not if the mom needs to go to school and the father is at work. It's hard for me because I only have two family members that are close, but only my mother in law is willing to watch my son at a moment's notice, and it's only in the evenings. It's pretty difficult to want to stay in school when it's that hard to find a babysitter. This last week I was super worried (and still am) that I can't find a babysitter for Tuesday mornings. I only have two more days to find a babysitter before I end up having to drop out of Chemistry if I can't find one. That will make me cry. The good news is that my friend who watched my son last semester of friday afternoons is willing to do it again this semester with no pay. She's such an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her help.
I hope I can make it through this semester and come out on top. I always have this huge fear that everything will fall apart and that all my hard work will go to waste... I'm so depressed and the semester hasn't even started yet. That's a sign of trouble.
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