It's down time.

That actually has two meanings:
1) I do have down time which is why I'm posting, and
2) It's been a rough couple of weeks, which is why I'm down.
My midterms were a disaster. I improved in Chemistry but my score was still unacceptable and I got lower exams scores in Physiology and Calculus. My poor husband had to bear with me as I came home from school the day I found out my last two exam scores bawling my eyes out and crying so hard I could've hyperventilated if he hadn't told me everything was going to be fine. I haven't had that hard of a sobbing session for a year! I figured I was overdue for one. But now my meltdowns are coming weekly (sometimes biweekly if it's a bad week), and thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I should just give everything up. It's getting really tough. And seriously, TOUGH. Tough as in "there's nothing harder in life as far as school goes than this" tough. But I know there's a lot harder classes out there and harder majors and this is probably a breeze. But for me and the situation I'm in... it's been a rollercoaster. No wonder no moms want to go through this. It's too much work. And who knows if it'll pay off at the end? Who knows if I'll get accepted to med school? What if I don't? What will I do? I can't imagine life being anything but a doctor, so if I don't get in after all this hard work, I might lose it and have to spend a few weeks in a psych ward. But I MUST keep my chin up, and that's what I keep telling myself. I had an awesome semester last semester, and it was time for things to get really bad. And this is it, right now. One thing that has been affecting my school performance was the fact that my son wasn't sleeping through the night. He was getting up between 5-10x/night. We finally took him to the pediatrician last week to figure something out, and we had to medicate him for three nights in order to get him back to the sleep schedule he was supposed to be in. And it worked great. He's not medicated anymore and he's sleeping through the night... except for last night because he got a terrible cold and his poor little nose is like a running faucet, and he's coughing a ton at night, which wakes him up. So anyway. But other than that, he's doing better. His vocabulary has exploded in the last two weeks, which means less temper tantrums because he can communicate his wants instead of whining and throwing himself on the floor.
I've been trying to get ahead on my school work and trying to truly understand it all. I was having a hard time with Calculus for a while, but I finally got over the "hump" and things are crystal clear again. Chemistry is getting easier so I'm hoping for a better test score next time. See, here's the thing: when I think about getting good grades, because that's what every pre-med student should be doing (trying to be top of their class), I see grading as A then F. For me there's no B's or C's or D's. It's either I do really well or I fail, because if I don't come first, then I'm a loser, do you see what I'm saying? So it's been a struggle accepting the fact that it's okay to get a B+. But I just hate that thought. And these grades I've been getting are not even B's. They're lower. Which makes me so anxious and disappointed in myself. I used to be a really good student until this semester so I don't know where I derailed.
But in other news, next week is spring break. I'm so thrilled! I need a break so badly. I haven't had a day off since President's Day, and I'm going to savor and enjoy every last minute of next week. I'm gonna go get a mani/pedi, get a massage, and I'll be doing some physician shadowing on monday which I'm so excited about, and then on thursday my husband and I are going out of town for the night to celebrate our 5-yr anniversary that came and went on the 5th. It'll be a great week! I can't hardly wait!
Happy days ahead!