Let's rewind time to just over 5 years ago. I had been accepted to the university I'm currently attending just out of high school and was experiencing the college life everyone had been talking about all throughout high school. I lived at home with my parents and my boyfriend and I had broken up for a bit of time that semester because he moved to another city. I was having all sorts of health issues because of the stress and life was just horrible that fall following graduation. I wasn't focused on my school work and everything seemed fuzzy and confusing. I was taking Elem. Chem, a low-end math class, Sociology, and Gen. Biology. I ended that semester with a 3.2 GPA, and engaged to my now-husband (he moved back eventually).
Now, 5 years later, I'm in the same state of confusion as I was then.
Yesterday I attended my first chem lab of the semester, and the memories just flooded my mind. Except the situation this time is more difficult than last time. We have to do labs on our own (compared to the partnership deal I've done all along), and there's more prep time involved. I'm still way confused with the material and I can't focus. I did just fine in Gen. Chem I, what's up with Gen. Chem II??? I still haven't figured that one out... Hopefully I will soon.
On the other hand, Calculus is heaven. Everything is crystal clear. I feel bad for the students who don't remember how to factor or do simple algebra problems. Good thing our professor is amazing and goes over the little stuff, and NEVER skips steps. It's so helpful. Speaking of him, after he told us what he had to go through with his major, I don't feel so bad for myself anymore: he graduated with a bachelor's degree in Civil Engineering, and apparently when you go on to get your Master's or PhD or what not, you have to take a COMET exam (I'm not sure on that one). Anyway, back in the day the test lasted 16 hrs, now it's 20, which is spaced out in 3 days. The last day of his test, he was given only one problem in fluid mechanics that took the entire time to solve. He had never taken the class, and he had to go read a textbook in order to solve it. The solution was 19 pages long. YIKES!!!! I should NEVER complain about my life after hearing this one!
I bombed my Physiology quiz last wednesday. I've always been horrible at counting how many dumb FADH2s and NADHs each cycle of cellular respiration uses, and that's what he concentrated on, instead of looking at the big picture ("how many pyruvates do you get from a glucose molecule?" or "how many ATPs are produced in the Electron Transport Chain???"). I just blew it off like it never happened. We can drop the lowest 5 quizzes, and this will be one of them.
As far as life at home... My son has officially entered the two year old phase. I thought his cries were bad until this week, when they've been blown into hysterical crying and kicking. I told my husband I no longer want any more kids. For real. I'm not doing this again. And unless we have an accident again, the factory has shut down. Won't get a tubal though; I'll wait until I'm 40 for that.
Then last night my husband and I went out on a date (I had almost forgotten what a 'date' was). We went to dinner and then to watch Sherlock Holmes. It was a great movie! I love the mysteries and solving situations. No wonder I want to be a doctor ;)
I've been trying to find women that live in my state that are pre-med moms. Can't seem to find any. Maybe I'm the only lunatic that's doing this here. I'm thinking of posting something in the Pre-Med advising office about a support group for pre-med moms.Hopefully I'll find another person to lean on as I walk this journey... Not that my family isn't supportive, I just need to find someone that's doing the same thing... you get my point.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Chem's kicking my behind!
Chemistry has been really confusing so far. According to my professor and her faculty partner, they've decided that Chapter 13 from the book we're using and currently studying is the hardest chapter of the book. Nice. Way to start the semester studying something so difficult, I'm starting to doubt my abilities in figuring Chemistry out. In fact, I'm so confused I've been in a funk for about a week now. It's really getting to me. The Chemistry class has 4 components to it: lecture, discussion for lecture, lab, and discussion for lab. I have a horrible TA for lecture discussion who speaks as loud as a mouse and doesn't go over the homework problems. Thank goodness the rest is all done by the professor, but still, the material is very difficult. How can I be a doctor if I feel I'll fail this class?! So far I'm getting 100% in it, but that's with a TON of work.
Good thing I have other classes to lift my spirits. Physiology is great so far... all pretty much a summary of what I studied back in Cell Biology last semester. Both my quiz scores have come back at 100% as well, and I'm pleased to know I'm doing something right. My other class is Calculus I and that's my favorite one, believe it or not... I like studying limits. It's kinda fun. Plus I have a professor that's really good at teaching so it helps tremendously.
My research is also doing well. I'm close to figuring out a hypothesis- something to do with sexual motivation and people with blue eyes. More than 90% of them live in the Baltic area (Northern Europe, Sweden, Finland, etc), so I'm trying to figure out birth rates between those people and people with brown eyes in other parts of the world. There's still a lot to be done, but I love it. Recently I received in the mail a huge poster with all the chromosomes and selected genes (it was like Christmas!). Turns out the X chromosome is almost as big as chromosome 1, and the Y chromosome is very tiny, about the size of chromosome 22. Now I can see why women are so much more "with it" than men. We have a lot of genes!
Like I said, I've been in a bad mood lately, I think it's because of the routine change. I'm hoping to get over it pretty soon. Also it doesn't help I've been having an extreme bout of "mommy guilt". It always seems to hit at the wrong time.
My son's been kinda needy lately and won't go to bed on his own like he used to. I've been having to put him to bed 3-4 times/night before he actually stays there and doesn't get out. I guess he just misses me and wants to play, but I need to sleep too! (That's another part of the problem: lack of enough sleep).
I'm hoping to get enough help with Chemistry before I consider myself an utter failure for being in the dark so much.
Can you tell I set the bar so high?!
Good thing I have other classes to lift my spirits. Physiology is great so far... all pretty much a summary of what I studied back in Cell Biology last semester. Both my quiz scores have come back at 100% as well, and I'm pleased to know I'm doing something right. My other class is Calculus I and that's my favorite one, believe it or not... I like studying limits. It's kinda fun. Plus I have a professor that's really good at teaching so it helps tremendously.
My research is also doing well. I'm close to figuring out a hypothesis- something to do with sexual motivation and people with blue eyes. More than 90% of them live in the Baltic area (Northern Europe, Sweden, Finland, etc), so I'm trying to figure out birth rates between those people and people with brown eyes in other parts of the world. There's still a lot to be done, but I love it. Recently I received in the mail a huge poster with all the chromosomes and selected genes (it was like Christmas!). Turns out the X chromosome is almost as big as chromosome 1, and the Y chromosome is very tiny, about the size of chromosome 22. Now I can see why women are so much more "with it" than men. We have a lot of genes!
Like I said, I've been in a bad mood lately, I think it's because of the routine change. I'm hoping to get over it pretty soon. Also it doesn't help I've been having an extreme bout of "mommy guilt". It always seems to hit at the wrong time.
My son's been kinda needy lately and won't go to bed on his own like he used to. I've been having to put him to bed 3-4 times/night before he actually stays there and doesn't get out. I guess he just misses me and wants to play, but I need to sleep too! (That's another part of the problem: lack of enough sleep).
I'm hoping to get enough help with Chemistry before I consider myself an utter failure for being in the dark so much.
Can you tell I set the bar so high?!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
This is TOUGH.
I haven't written on here in a while so I thought I'd post.
I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not because I don't see any comments, but this blog functions as a journal for me, but definitely as a help to any moms out there who may be wondering what it's like to be a mom and be pre-med. I just like being able to vent.
Well... school started. And it's been tough. I forgot to mention, however, that instead of taking Genetics I switched it up with Physiology. Maybe I did mention this already? Sounds vaguely familiar, but oh well. Lack of babysitter choices put me in Physiology instead. I'm sad I wasn't able to take it this semester since my big undergrad research is this semester and it's on Anthropological Genetics. I'm working with a distinguished doctor who graduated from Yale and has taught at Yale and Harvard. He's an awesome geneticist and so far I've learned a lot about genetics. He's also a published author of a book (among dozens of articles and other texts) and I've had the opportunity of reading it. It was a great book. Now I have to learn a little bit about computer programming in order to help with research, and needless to say, I'm quite scared... but it's just one more hurdle to jump over this semester.
I have class every morning at 7:30. It's been different to wake up so early in the morning, but it's been doable. I'm not a morning person at all, but I've been taking some hot chocolate with me to drink in the car, then I listen to my IPod while I walk (it's about 10-15 minutes walking from my car to the building where Chem classes are at). Last night I began taking melatonin as a natural way to help me sleep more deeply, and it worked. I woke up today and didn't feel very tired, especially this afternoon.
My financial problems with the school are still up in the air, which is why I need to call them to see if I can just get the late fee added on ($60 max) so I can at least wait for the tuition money to come through. I'll be devastated, though, if I don't get enough financial aid because it'll mean I have to drop out of school and not go in until Summer if I can get it paid for. I just turned in applications for 3 scholarships and if I get those, it'll cover 3 semesters worth of tuition. Hopefully I'll get them.
Then my husband and I decided we need to sell our condo and move. Our HOA is being raised and we'll be assessed every year for at least $500 to $1000 for about 4 years and we can't handle it. So we're gonna sell quickly (hopefully) and move into a rental townhome/duplex closer to school, if not student housing. It's probably good this way because what if I get accepted to med school outside of the state? It'll be an easy way to get out of here instead of trying to sell later.
Anyway, back to the school thing. I have lots of homework (I just saw I have a one 5-credit course, and 3 4-credit courses this semester)... I should be doing homework but I need to unwind. I'm pretty busy and I can't seem to adjust to my schedule yet. That's the worst part of it all: not having a regular schedule. It drives me crazy.
Today I read that it's okay to not have your house cleaned spotless when you go to work and school and take care of a family. You may think that's a no-brainer, but to me, when it's written down in an article, is almost like a commandment. I'm not sure why my mind can't figure these things out, but I figured that out today and this semester I'll be working on letting things go- a little. I won't get lazy or nasty, but you get my point.
I have a Calculus class that has a really awesome professor. He's got a PhD in Engineering (what is it with these engineers?! They're all over the place now that I see them- especially in my chem class). When he first walked through the door last week to begin class I could've sworn they pulled a bum out of the street to teach. He's not "polished" by any means, but he has some great advice and he's an awesome professor. I'm so glad I got him for Calculus because I know I'll be struggling, and he's very understanding and willing to answer questions, which is great. So far we're reviewing about 1 1/2 years of math (college algebra, trig) so it's a piece of cake.
So far it's tough, but like I said, it's probably because I don't have a regular schedule yet, and I'm still nervous about my tuition money. We'll see what happens. If I drop out, it'll be okay... and that's what I keep telling myself in between the tears.
I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not because I don't see any comments, but this blog functions as a journal for me, but definitely as a help to any moms out there who may be wondering what it's like to be a mom and be pre-med. I just like being able to vent.
Well... school started. And it's been tough. I forgot to mention, however, that instead of taking Genetics I switched it up with Physiology. Maybe I did mention this already? Sounds vaguely familiar, but oh well. Lack of babysitter choices put me in Physiology instead. I'm sad I wasn't able to take it this semester since my big undergrad research is this semester and it's on Anthropological Genetics. I'm working with a distinguished doctor who graduated from Yale and has taught at Yale and Harvard. He's an awesome geneticist and so far I've learned a lot about genetics. He's also a published author of a book (among dozens of articles and other texts) and I've had the opportunity of reading it. It was a great book. Now I have to learn a little bit about computer programming in order to help with research, and needless to say, I'm quite scared... but it's just one more hurdle to jump over this semester.
I have class every morning at 7:30. It's been different to wake up so early in the morning, but it's been doable. I'm not a morning person at all, but I've been taking some hot chocolate with me to drink in the car, then I listen to my IPod while I walk (it's about 10-15 minutes walking from my car to the building where Chem classes are at). Last night I began taking melatonin as a natural way to help me sleep more deeply, and it worked. I woke up today and didn't feel very tired, especially this afternoon.
My financial problems with the school are still up in the air, which is why I need to call them to see if I can just get the late fee added on ($60 max) so I can at least wait for the tuition money to come through. I'll be devastated, though, if I don't get enough financial aid because it'll mean I have to drop out of school and not go in until Summer if I can get it paid for. I just turned in applications for 3 scholarships and if I get those, it'll cover 3 semesters worth of tuition. Hopefully I'll get them.
Then my husband and I decided we need to sell our condo and move. Our HOA is being raised and we'll be assessed every year for at least $500 to $1000 for about 4 years and we can't handle it. So we're gonna sell quickly (hopefully) and move into a rental townhome/duplex closer to school, if not student housing. It's probably good this way because what if I get accepted to med school outside of the state? It'll be an easy way to get out of here instead of trying to sell later.
Anyway, back to the school thing. I have lots of homework (I just saw I have a one 5-credit course, and 3 4-credit courses this semester)... I should be doing homework but I need to unwind. I'm pretty busy and I can't seem to adjust to my schedule yet. That's the worst part of it all: not having a regular schedule. It drives me crazy.
Today I read that it's okay to not have your house cleaned spotless when you go to work and school and take care of a family. You may think that's a no-brainer, but to me, when it's written down in an article, is almost like a commandment. I'm not sure why my mind can't figure these things out, but I figured that out today and this semester I'll be working on letting things go- a little. I won't get lazy or nasty, but you get my point.
I have a Calculus class that has a really awesome professor. He's got a PhD in Engineering (what is it with these engineers?! They're all over the place now that I see them- especially in my chem class). When he first walked through the door last week to begin class I could've sworn they pulled a bum out of the street to teach. He's not "polished" by any means, but he has some great advice and he's an awesome professor. I'm so glad I got him for Calculus because I know I'll be struggling, and he's very understanding and willing to answer questions, which is great. So far we're reviewing about 1 1/2 years of math (college algebra, trig) so it's a piece of cake.
So far it's tough, but like I said, it's probably because I don't have a regular schedule yet, and I'm still nervous about my tuition money. We'll see what happens. If I drop out, it'll be okay... and that's what I keep telling myself in between the tears.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A few thoughts on being pre-med...
As the semester is nearing, and about to show its beasty, ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I'm thinking clearly. And I mean "clearly" as in maybe I'm truly crazy.
Perhaps it's mommy guilt again, but every once in a while, I feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this. I feel like I'm not cut out for a career in medicine and that I should be at home taking care of gosh knows how many kids. I look at my son and think, "How sad is that he'll grow up without having a mommy next to him, and helping him whenever he needs?" Obviously med school isn't time consuming in such a way that you don't even get time to go to the bathroom or eat a meal, but still, it's busy. And I know a lot of parents who attend med school do have time to spend with their kids, one way or another, and yet, I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand that I'll have time (a little of it) to spend with my son. And what makes me even more sad (that's the worst part of the guilt) is that he'll go through most of his whole childhood and have no recollection of his mom ever being home, that is, once I decide on a specialty and become a resident, I'll hardly ever be home, and if I am, I'll be sleeping.
Then, on the other hand, I look at other moms who don't work and are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids full-time, and I wonder how they do it. Really. How can they handle not doing anything for themselves and focusing all of their time and energy to their kids and husbands? Possibly, they do something for themselves but it's hardly ever heard of because it's always so private (such as painting, writing, etc.)... I wonder why that is. I HAVE to do something for myself. What's the point of getting an Associate's or Bachelor's degree if you're not going to use it?! In addition, I feel like I must be needed outside of my own home to make my life fulfilling. I wish I could just settle for the easier route and be a SAHM, but mentally, I'd go crazy (although I do envy SAHMs sometimes).
But anyway... how do pre-med moms and moms in med school find balance in their lives? Obviously there's sacrifice of something (sometimes time with husbands, time for themselves, time for their kids, or time to clean the house), and it's hard to decide what to sacrifice. I find that I sacrifice a lot of time with my husband, and that's not good, therefore I have to work on it. I have to learn that letting the house get a bit dirty is okay and that not being on Facebook as long as I'd like is acceptable.
There's got to be some sort of strong support system, though, in and outside of the home, to make it all work. I think it helps a lot to have someone (mostly a family member) that is available to watch kids or what not if the mom needs to go to school and the father is at work. It's hard for me because I only have two family members that are close, but only my mother in law is willing to watch my son at a moment's notice, and it's only in the evenings. It's pretty difficult to want to stay in school when it's that hard to find a babysitter. This last week I was super worried (and still am) that I can't find a babysitter for Tuesday mornings. I only have two more days to find a babysitter before I end up having to drop out of Chemistry if I can't find one. That will make me cry. The good news is that my friend who watched my son last semester of friday afternoons is willing to do it again this semester with no pay. She's such an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her help.
I hope I can make it through this semester and come out on top. I always have this huge fear that everything will fall apart and that all my hard work will go to waste... I'm so depressed and the semester hasn't even started yet. That's a sign of trouble.
Perhaps it's mommy guilt again, but every once in a while, I feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this. I feel like I'm not cut out for a career in medicine and that I should be at home taking care of gosh knows how many kids. I look at my son and think, "How sad is that he'll grow up without having a mommy next to him, and helping him whenever he needs?" Obviously med school isn't time consuming in such a way that you don't even get time to go to the bathroom or eat a meal, but still, it's busy. And I know a lot of parents who attend med school do have time to spend with their kids, one way or another, and yet, I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand that I'll have time (a little of it) to spend with my son. And what makes me even more sad (that's the worst part of the guilt) is that he'll go through most of his whole childhood and have no recollection of his mom ever being home, that is, once I decide on a specialty and become a resident, I'll hardly ever be home, and if I am, I'll be sleeping.
Then, on the other hand, I look at other moms who don't work and are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids full-time, and I wonder how they do it. Really. How can they handle not doing anything for themselves and focusing all of their time and energy to their kids and husbands? Possibly, they do something for themselves but it's hardly ever heard of because it's always so private (such as painting, writing, etc.)... I wonder why that is. I HAVE to do something for myself. What's the point of getting an Associate's or Bachelor's degree if you're not going to use it?! In addition, I feel like I must be needed outside of my own home to make my life fulfilling. I wish I could just settle for the easier route and be a SAHM, but mentally, I'd go crazy (although I do envy SAHMs sometimes).
But anyway... how do pre-med moms and moms in med school find balance in their lives? Obviously there's sacrifice of something (sometimes time with husbands, time for themselves, time for their kids, or time to clean the house), and it's hard to decide what to sacrifice. I find that I sacrifice a lot of time with my husband, and that's not good, therefore I have to work on it. I have to learn that letting the house get a bit dirty is okay and that not being on Facebook as long as I'd like is acceptable.
There's got to be some sort of strong support system, though, in and outside of the home, to make it all work. I think it helps a lot to have someone (mostly a family member) that is available to watch kids or what not if the mom needs to go to school and the father is at work. It's hard for me because I only have two family members that are close, but only my mother in law is willing to watch my son at a moment's notice, and it's only in the evenings. It's pretty difficult to want to stay in school when it's that hard to find a babysitter. This last week I was super worried (and still am) that I can't find a babysitter for Tuesday mornings. I only have two more days to find a babysitter before I end up having to drop out of Chemistry if I can't find one. That will make me cry. The good news is that my friend who watched my son last semester of friday afternoons is willing to do it again this semester with no pay. She's such an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her help.
I hope I can make it through this semester and come out on top. I always have this huge fear that everything will fall apart and that all my hard work will go to waste... I'm so depressed and the semester hasn't even started yet. That's a sign of trouble.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Ready? Wait... not yet.
I hope everyone's holidays went well. Ours went fine. I had to work half-shift (6 hrs) on Christmas Eve, which wasn't a big deal. We stayed in town for all of the holidays which was nice. We were supposed to go up to the mountains for New Years with a few friends but that didn't work out. So we hung out nearby with some friends and it was great! I got to take care of a few things, and that is always awesome with me.
My final GPA for last semester ended up being a 3.92. Yeah, not the 4.0 I was expecting, but it was close. I got A's in all my classes but Chemistry (A-). I was pretty ticked off considering I worked so hard in that class, I thought for sure he was going to curve. Oh well. But the thing that bothers me is the 3.92 on my transcript. Obviously this is the best semester in college I've had yet, but the 3.92 clearly says "You were perfect... but not perfect enough". Grr.
Spring semester starts on monday and I'm already chewing on my fingernails. I'm super nervous. I transferred to the 4-yr university and today I got my student ID, train pass, and parking pass all taken care of. Then I walked into the student building to talk to the financial office personnel about my financial aid. I pretty much have to have tuition covered 100% by government-funded federal grants in order to pay for tuition. Just this past monday I found out I still had a few documents I needed to turn in, so I went there today to do just that. I was pleasantly informed that it would take 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed, and another 2-3 weeks for the money to be disbursed into my account. Tuition is due on the 25th. I think I may punch hole through a wall! I can't believe I wasn't aware of that. Now I may have to temporarily drop out of school and wait until summer semester to go back to school... however, the big problem with this plan is that I may have to re-apply for school and then it'll put me a whole year behind in applying for medical school because I won't have finished the Chemistry series by then, and if so, my summer will suck. *deep breath* I'm just going to pray that my money will miraculously come through in time for the tuition deadline. Cross your fingers for me, will ya?!
Until then, I'll go to school and pretend nothing's happening. I still have to get my books. I got a nice, cute new backpack (first backpack I've had since 9th grade!!!) and I'm getting my Ipod updated with songs to keep me entertained while I walk (it's a HUGE campus). I also got a new scarf and gloves - it's very cold here, every day is below freezing. My backpack, Ipod, and scarf and gloves are all pink. I don't know how that happened because pink is definitely not my favorite color. Even this background is pink. What the heck?!....
My final GPA for last semester ended up being a 3.92. Yeah, not the 4.0 I was expecting, but it was close. I got A's in all my classes but Chemistry (A-). I was pretty ticked off considering I worked so hard in that class, I thought for sure he was going to curve. Oh well. But the thing that bothers me is the 3.92 on my transcript. Obviously this is the best semester in college I've had yet, but the 3.92 clearly says "You were perfect... but not perfect enough". Grr.
Spring semester starts on monday and I'm already chewing on my fingernails. I'm super nervous. I transferred to the 4-yr university and today I got my student ID, train pass, and parking pass all taken care of. Then I walked into the student building to talk to the financial office personnel about my financial aid. I pretty much have to have tuition covered 100% by government-funded federal grants in order to pay for tuition. Just this past monday I found out I still had a few documents I needed to turn in, so I went there today to do just that. I was pleasantly informed that it would take 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed, and another 2-3 weeks for the money to be disbursed into my account. Tuition is due on the 25th. I think I may punch hole through a wall! I can't believe I wasn't aware of that. Now I may have to temporarily drop out of school and wait until summer semester to go back to school... however, the big problem with this plan is that I may have to re-apply for school and then it'll put me a whole year behind in applying for medical school because I won't have finished the Chemistry series by then, and if so, my summer will suck. *deep breath* I'm just going to pray that my money will miraculously come through in time for the tuition deadline. Cross your fingers for me, will ya?!
Until then, I'll go to school and pretend nothing's happening. I still have to get my books. I got a nice, cute new backpack (first backpack I've had since 9th grade!!!) and I'm getting my Ipod updated with songs to keep me entertained while I walk (it's a HUGE campus). I also got a new scarf and gloves - it's very cold here, every day is below freezing. My backpack, Ipod, and scarf and gloves are all pink. I don't know how that happened because pink is definitely not my favorite color. Even this background is pink. What the heck?!....
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