Whoops!!

Geez, has it really been since September that I last posted on here? Time does fly when you're having fun... well, it definitely hasn't been fun.
Where to start... there's so much to talk about. Shortly after writing my last post everything pretty much just went downhill from there. Emotional breakdowns happened nearly every day, and my body didn't seem to agree with the pregnancy. My grades started to take a hit and my family was being neglected. It was taking me so much more time to study for something that would regularly just take me a few minutes. I knew something was wrong, so I seeked for help. I also went on LOA from work to tame my psychological stress and to help out my family. I literally suffered from what's called "burn out". I got depressed and school wasn't- and still isn't- interesting anymore. Things I enjoyed once aren't my thing anymore. Everything... changed. And why? Because I piled on all these things to do and didn't pay attention to myself. I forgot about myself.
Then to top it all off with the great deal of stress I was under, my body decided to break down on me and I went into preterm labor at 30 weeks. That meant having to drop a class to salvage my grades, and having to resign from one of my leadership/volunteer positions... and, most importantly: BEDREST.
Bedrest is like the ultimate punishment for me. Please use Chinese water torture on me or any other form of torture, BUT bedrest. I hate not working, and barely going to school. I hate not being able to run errands or clean my house. It sucks. I hate just... sitting here. It's awful! But what do you do, right? I gotta keep baking this little one in there for a bit longer, but I don't think I'll make it to my due date. I'm too much of a non-compliant patient to stay pregnant until the end, i.e. cleaning my house when not supposed to, or shopping when I know it will make me contract.
So now I only have 2 classes: anthropology and O Chem I. Anthro is okay, I keep doing worse and worse for some reason in that class, but who gives a crap now- oh, that's another thing that's changed: before I'd freak if I was getting a B; now I don't give a crap. I'm just trying to survive this semester without failing a class. O Chem seems to be stable for me, averaging C+ to B. I'm not sure what my final grade will be for lecture, but I think I've gotten an A in chem lab, and that makes me happy. I only have to go back to school on the 17th for a final in Chem lecture and then I'll be done with the semester.
I have done nothing to prepare for this little one. It helps to have money, I suppose. And that's something we don't have right now. Definitely next weekend we'll be setting everything up. I have a feeling this kiddo might come the day after my last final. Not sure why, I just do.
I think that's all for now. I'm tired and need to sleep. I'll write when I have more time.

Here we go again

School started about 2 weeks ago and I already feel overwhelmed. I'm only taking 12 credits but it's enough to keep me very busy. I'm taking Organic Chemistry I, Genetics, and Physical Anthropology. The classes are great and I enjoy reading the material, but holy hannah... there's a lot to learn, and not enough time to do it.
My work schedule also changed, so now I work friday and saturday night, off sunday, then again monday and tuesday night. Sure, I only work part time and I have 9 days off bi-weekly, but it kills to work that many in a row. I did it to myself, hoping that I would be able to spend the weekends with my family, but I still spent the whole day two saturdays ago at the county library doing homework... and I still didn't get it all done. I get more accomplished while I'm at work- good thing I'm expedient with my work load, but I'm very tired, especially on the tuesdays that I work. Working all night, then sleeping for just a few hours, then going to class, then going back to work for another 12 hr shift is draining. But what do you do, right?
Being pregnant and taking care of a toddler and going to school full-time, as well as working and doing volunteer work has been... well, tough. I thought I'd be able to handle it like I used to, but man, does pregnancy just drain every ounce of energy out of me! I was on Metoprolol for my heart condition that I get with pregnancy, but it made me so sleepy I couldn't even function. I had four meltdowns in less than one week because I couldn't keep my eyes open and still had to study and do everything. It was awful. Now I'm on Digoxin and it's been great, but still I suffer from fatigue from the pregnancy itself, and it's hard. It's not that I don't wish I wasn't pregnant, because in reality, if I were to have a second child any time in my life, it would have to be now anyway, it's just that with everything, it makes it nearly impossible to get anything accomplished. I feel like everything is derailing out of control again- it's like trying to keep a mudslide from sliding further down a hill- and I'm not sure how to get everything under control. Maybe I am doing too much, maybe not. Maybe I need more energy to keep going during the day... or maybe I just need to stop everything and just work... go to school when the kids are older... *sigh* I guess I get discouraged because I'm not a straight A student like I wish I was. My GPA is not that great- still okay, but not above national average for medical school applicants- and that bothers me. I don't know if the medical school committees will look at my application and say, "Her grades aren't the best, so we'll skip her for now" or "Wow, look at what all she's done, and even though her grades aren't the best, she still managed to keep doing everything else through her personal responsibilities." I hate these moments. I wish I could look into the future and figure out where I'm lacking so I can do better. I want to be a great mom, a great student, a great wife, and a great worker, but apparently I'm not super woman, and can't be great at everything. That's depressing.
Aside from school stuff, life at home is okay. We moved this last summer into a house with central air. Can I just say how much of a blessing that is? I love central air. It's like... I can live in Alaska-like conditions if I want haha My son is in daycare for 20 hrs/week, while I'm in school - that's really roughly how many hours I spend just going to school and sitting in class, totally absurd... He really enjoys it and looks forward to going and always says how much fun he had with "Missa" (Melissa, his teacher). I'm glad he can get away and socialize with other kids and not be home all the time. It's affordable as well, which is a nice plus.
Anyway. I think I'll stop for now. I just had to get on here and write something just so I can get everything off my chest. I'll write again another time.

Where has time gone?

I think the last time I posted on here was May 30th... holy cow. Time for some updates, because there are many.
First and foremost, I knew this during my last post but didn't say anything because we're waiting to spread the news the old fashioned way: word of mouth. My husband and I are expecting baby #2.
Yeah, a second baby.
Another baby.
Wait, did I say baby #2?!
What?! How could this happen?!
I was more than shocked... I think I must've had an out of body experience when I read that the HCG test was positive. We shared the news with our family when I was 8 weeks along, because my abdominal muscles decided to give up, and I started to show very early, and I didn't want them to think that I was growing a tumor or eating too many doughnuts during my free time.  They were all confused when we broke the news... I don't blame them. If you're told something for a while and you're adamant about it, then you hear the opposite, you're bound to be confused.
And I'm not happy. Should I be? I think I should, but when I've got this much going on in my life- a toddler that wears me out just by looking at him, a pre-med school load, and work- I think I have the right to not be happy about a second pregnancy. I'm terrified out of my mind, not only because I'll have to go through all the sleepless nights all over again, all the breastfeeding, all the pumping, all the baby food... and now put a toddler with that, and try studying for the MCAT at the same time... it's a scary thought.
I'm due Jan 13th, which is also tough- spring semester starts around or on the 10th, and that is just awful timing. I'm hoping to go either very early in the month or on my due date exactly. I have to be there the first few days of classes to explain myself for not coming for a week.
In some lesser exciting news, well... it's all good. My brother returned home from an LDS mission in Japan and he's living with us. My mom moved to Texas 2 weeks ago and that's why he's hanging out in our place until January, which is when he's starting school, and will be moving down to the dorms. It's fun to have him around; he's awesome and very helpful. My dad also came from Brazil with his wife and spent 2 weeks visiting with us. It was so nice to see him after 2 years. We hung out a lot and went to Vegas for 3 days so my dad could see the Bellagio fountains. The smile on his face while we watched the show made the trip and the 110F weather totally worth it :)
And... last but not least... we're moving. Yup, this weekend. I've been volunteering for this hospice company and my volunteer director happened to be wanting to rent out her new house. She gave us a killer deal for it, and we couldn't pass up on it. We had to move anyway- I was not about to do it during fall semester- so we decided to take the plunge and go for it now. Now if I could just get the motivation to pack my house, it'd help a lot. I've been super tired and all I want to do is sleep, so it's tough to pack when you're in bed. It's got a fenced-in backyard and we're so excited for our son to play back there when he feels like it. It also has a 2 car garage, which means I won't have to deal with getting to my car and putting the kids in while it's snowing/raining outside. My husband is very thrilled and we know it'll be a great place for our family.
So....... school, eh?
It starts in less than a month, and I pray for help from the Lord. Walking around a huge campus, on a hill, and pregnant, won't be very fun. I'm taking O Chem I, Genetics, and an Anthropology class (online). I was going to take two Anthropology classes and not Genetics, but I decided to go ahead and do it before I added a second child to the picture. It's supposed to be a hard class and I wanted to get it out of the way. It'll be tough, but at the end I'll be glad I will have gotten it done. Plus it's Genetics... and I love it!

Booooored

It's been a while since I last wrote in here... since I consider this my journal, this isn't any different than my real notebook journal at home. I think it's been at least a year or so since I wrote in that thing. Looks like the bad habit is transferring here too!
So school's been out for almost a month now, and it's been one heck of a roller coaster for us:
1) Our condo went up on the market at the beginning of this month, and so far we've only had one person come look at it, which turned out to be nothing because they put an offer somewhere else. Sad. The market is really slow, but we're not giving up hope yet.
2) I got my grades back! And I made the Dean's List for the second semester in a row, although my GPA was less than decent (3.51GPA).... So sickening. But better than what I thought they would be:
Anthropology Research: A
Calculus I: A
Gen Chem I Lecture: B
Gen Chem I Lab: B+
Physiology: B+
Yeah, yeah, that looks fine, but in my book, that's disgusting. I needed at least a 3.7GPA to be happy with myself. But whatever, it was the most horrible semester YET, I'm glad I made out alive. Apparently to make the Dean's List you need at least a 3.5GPA taking at least 12 credits. Well, let's hope to do this again next semester.
3) The cat we had gotten for my son turned out to be a disobedient little kitty who likes to bite and play (very) rough, so I had to turn him back into the Humane Society. It was a sad day, not because we got rid of the cat, but because of how Jacen would feel about the cat being gone. He still looks for the cat, saying "Kitty?? Kitty?" all over the house, and despite having to explain to him that Hercules wasn't living with us anymore and was going to hang out with other kitties, he is still too little to understand. So it breaks our hearts when he asks to watch the kitty movie, and puts a huge smile on his face when he watches little videos of him playing with the cat, but it had to be done. Ugh.
4) I've been looking for volunteering things to do. I was supposed to have an interview with a hospice company this past wednesday but had to cancel due to a horrendous cold. I'm hoping to start soon so I can get some volunteer hours in this summer. And the best thing is that I can bring my son with me for it, and that's awesome. I'd basically just be visiting residents and talking to them, and keeping them entertained. Sounds like a fun opportunity, and I'm excited to get started!
5) I started to exercise and eat healthier, and I bought a jogging stroller from a friend of mine, and I began taking my son with me to the park, and it's been nice. I haven't been in a week because of this cold, but I plan on returning as soon as possible. Then my husband had been doing some extra work at his job and they gave him a $75 gift certificate to Best Buy, and he bought Wii Fit Plus! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I've only been able to play with it once, but I want to use it more from now on. There's some way fun games on it and I'm thrilled! I've always wanted one.
I think that's it for now... it's gotten too long already.

Well, here it is...

I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my life lately and I decided it was time to make a serious decision about school and life in general.
This semester was the worst semester I've ever had in college. And honestly, the last year of college has been the worst ever. I've been drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried my whole life put together. I felt like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, and a lousy student. I pretty much lost contact with the world and my friends. I stopped hanging out with my husband just so I could study, and yet, my grades still looked horrible.
Many times I forgot to pray, or read my scriptures (I'm LDS for those who don't know). I can't even say how long it's been since I cracked my scriptures open. I haven't been to church in over a year, first by choice (long story) then when I did want to go, I couldn't, because I started working every weekend. I'm ashamed I've gone this far out without realizing it. It takes one slip for things to go downhill FAST.
So now I find myself in a situation I never dreamed of being. I'm "inactive", if you want to call it that, when I really don't want to be, I'm short-tempered and anything that goes wrong sets me off, and overall I'm burnt out. I always heard the term being "burnt out", but didn't actually experience it until now. We're short selling my house because I had to go down to part-time and financially we can't afford it anymore. Things have pretty much fallen to pieces and I've been trying to glue them back together with water acting as the glue... it's not working so well.
Then there's this whole deal about having another baby.... *sigh*. If I slow down, would I want to have another one? Would I be able to deal with a second one? In the back of my mind I keep hearing, "You should have another one, for the sake of your child", but yet, I think about the first few months of having a new baby and how my life had been turned upside down and how miserable it was. And still is. Motherhood does not come easily to me, and it's hard work! But I wonder if it would've been any easier if I hadn't been school? I'm sure, but how much easier?! I see pregnant women and somehow envy them... then immediately I think, "Fun now, wait until delivery. You'll be a zombie". That's crazy! I can't figure out what I want! But I know why: it's because I have no guidance from the Heavens. I've forgotten to pray for help. I've gotten so used to just doing everything on my own that I stopped asking. I didn't want to bother God with menial requests such as "Please, Heavenly Father, give me the strength to survive from 6am until 11pm or later tonight, just so I can do it again and again this week..." or "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Jacen stop throwing food on the floor, I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with that right now". So isn't this what prayers are for? God is there to help me with the tedious requests, but somehow, I didn't think it was important enough. The only times I prayed were to bless the food when we ate meals, before bed, and while sitting in school just about to take a test. That's it. How pathetic.
So I had to come with a way to prioritize the important things in my life. What are obviously the vital things in my life that I'm missing? First of all, the consistency of the Gospel in my life. That has been by far the worst for me; not to be able to go to church or take my family to church. Spiritually I'm starved, and it's showing all over the map. And secondly, my family. I would go two weeks or more not putting my son to bed every night because I would study or have class, or both. I miss my husband. He's has been such a great support to me, and yet, I can't even spend time with him to thank him for everything he has been doing for me and for our family. School comes in third (believe it or not!), and I've been doing horrible in that department as well. Screwing up with the first two priorities made me unhappy enough to not be successful with my third priority because I had made school top priority, and it shouldn't have been that way.
I thought a lot about my choices of what to do with school and after writing down all the pros and cons of graduating on time or later, I found that the pros of delaying graduation had a much longer list than the cons. Staying on track had more pros than cons as well, but the cons were more important to me. I HATE the thought of delaying graduation, but I don't want my life to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I feel like I fell into this empty, dark and musky well and didn't ask to be rescued. But now I do, and the only way out of it is by climbing all the way up by myself. No one can do it for me. I have to. And if takes relying on the Lord for help, so be it. I must learn to not be so stubborn and ask for help. Therefore, I decided to delay graduation by a year. It hurts to make this decision but it's for the best. I won't have to be taking a ton of hard classes at the same time and I can devote time to going to church and taking care of my family like I should, and still have time to work on my education and all the extracurricular stuff that I still need to get done. Plus I'll have an extra year to study for the MCAT, which is always nice.
There. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it. Helps to have it written down so I don't change my mind, it's like if I were to write it in stone :P

All done....

I can't believe I'm done. It's surreal.
My first final was on monday and it was physiology. I loved that class but the exams were tough. I hated them. Good thing the final wasn't comprehensive because I think I would have failed it. Then tuesday I had my calculus final. It was easy. I guess math comes easy to me because I hardly ever have to study for it and I always manage to get good grades. Finally, I got done with my last chem final yesterday morning and when I left the Chemistry Building I was in shock (the exam was super long and I H-A-T-E TITRATIONS!!!). Maybe it was the lack of sleep that had my brain sort of foggy, but I'm still having to pinch myself when I think the semester is over.
And yet, there's still so much more to do.
Now I have to start thinking of places to go volunteer at in which I can take my son with me. I'm thinking of doing Meals on Wheels, or making blankets for kids who are put in foster care, so they have something that's theirs that they can have wherever they go, kind of like a "security blanket"; or making puffy hearts for people who have lost a loved one. I think I can do all three of them.
I also have to start finding doctors to shadow. See, here's a problem: whenever I talk to a doctor, I get intimidated. I don't know why that is, perhaps because they have so much more education than me, therefore I feel "inferior" to them. So it's tough for me to shadow a doctor because if it turns out like my first shadowing experience with an OB, I'll be quizzed in front of the patient and I'll be expected to know the answers. Ugh. Embarrassing! But I'm hoping to shadow an Ob-GYN, Geneticist, and an Urologist all this summer. Maybe a Cardiologist if I can get ahold of my doctor (yes, I had heart problems when I was pregnant).
Now that I look back at this semester I just feel such a HUGE sense of relief. I can't even put it in words. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I look at all this free time that I have and I wonder, "what in the world am I going to do?!"
So yesterday I celebrated with my son by taking him out for a picnic at the park. I've been taking him to the park a lot lately since I get so bored at home (he doesn't let me study so there's nothing to do). It's been good for him to get some sun. And I've gotten to know some moms there and it's been kind of fun. Maybe that's why I keep going back? LOL I'm not a great mom, though. That's not my "niche". My "niche" is being a student and learning. Don't get me wrong, however: I love my son and would die for him, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out with him haha
Well... I got myself a great book from the library and I plan on reading it on my spare time this summer. I'm also picking up more hours at work so I can make a bit extra money.
And then our condo went up for sale yesterday. I hope someone buys it quickly! It'll be at least 3 months until we can move out, and hopefully things will work out like they should :)

Temporarily coming to an end

Wow. In 4 days I'm going to be done with this semester. Gives me sort of a warm fuzzy feeling until I realize that in these 4 days, I'll have 3 finals. This semester I really got hit with these tests; they were usually on the same day or very close together. I could never devote all my energy into studying for one test because I was always studying for at least two others (that's not counting quizzes and stuff) all at the same time; thus my sky rocketing stress levels.
I should be studying now but I need to write a little bit. I never thought that writing could help me depressurize. I guess that's what happens when I can't really share this with people without getting a "deer in the headlights" look. LOL But it's okay.
Lately I've been pondering how great my friends are. They always cheer me on. They are sad when I am and they get excited when I do. Although they really don't know what it feels like, they at least try to put themselves in my shoes. I was frustrated in the middle of the semester with not being understood, but towards the end of the semester I met another premed mom who's got two kids with another one on the way (I may have talked about this already). I was surprised since we both belong to the same association at our university. Who would've thought? It was enlightening to hear how she was able to cope with everything and how she was taking care of her kids in the midst of all of this. Then I heard from two other moms through mommd.com who also had little kids and that helped a lot too. Maybe it was a combination of the semester ending plus finding other moms that made my stress level go down, and it's getting better.
As far as my decision goes, I need to make a list of the pros and cons of both choices (delaying or not delaying graduation). We did that for our house two years ago and it helped us see the strengths and weaknesses of each house and we made our decision based on that paper. I bet if I use the same method this time, I'll be able to come to a conclusion and feel good about it. However, I'll still try to put in as many hours as I possibly can into volunteering and all that so just in case  I decide to keep my graduation date, I can at least have all of those in without rushing at the very end.
We've officially signed papers to start the process of short selling our condo. It's hard because we thought it'd be a great investment for our future, and it turned out to be the total opposite. I feel relieved that we've decided to go through with it. No one could've known the market was going to crash. It was invevitable. It'll take at least another 3 months and up to a year to close on it, so we still have time to stay there and find another place to live.
Anyway. I better go. I need to do LOTS of studying.

THE decision.

I'm still torn. My decision of how to pursue this education is tremendously tough. On one hand I could almost kill myself for another year but then graduate on time, or I could take my time and delay graduation by one year.

Both choices have their pros and cons, and sadly, the delay option seems more reasonable at this point. And I say "sadly" because I hate the thought of setting myself behind by another year. One year is a long time. It may not seem like it in the long run, but day by day, it's a long time. Also, by delaying graduation by a year I'll be able to relax a little more and put in more time and effort into physician shadowing, volunteering, and getting some leadership experience. Eventually it's a better way to go, and most likely, will help my med school application. And also and more importantly, I'll be able to enjoy my son and being a mom full time for a little longer before I start medical school.
Then there's the accelerated choice, in which I take O Chem and Physics for a full year (but those would be the only classes I take), and get all my 50+ hrs of volunteering and physician shadowing and leadership done this summer (total of about 150 hrs) if I want to have a good looking application. So basically I'm taking summer off school either way, but if I decide on this route, then I will be very busy. However, it just sounds so "forced", in a way that I'm only doing all that so I can "check boxes" on my application. Not to mention that in the fall and spring I'll be taking a total of 10 credits just with those two classes (Physics is 4 if I remember corrently, and O Chem is 6) but compared to now that's 6 less credits than what I currently take. And I love the thought of actually staying on track with graduation, and taking the MCAT next May, and applying for med school next June. That just sounds soooo good, because it means I'm coming up on the finish line, and I cannot wait any longer to graduate!
So do I endure another year of busy-ness and stay on track or do I delay graduation and "relax"?
I'm putting up a poll on this, and maybe if people want to comment as to why I should go either way that would be helpful too.

Wow....

When was the last time I updated this thing??? I can't even remember. All I remember was how frustrated I was, and how things were going to the crapper. But since then a ray of sunshine has come through and it's given me hope:
The babysitting issue resolved itself. A dear friend of mine volunteered to watch my son when she wasn't in school, which meant I didn't have to find daycare for him. It's such a relief to know great friends can be there to help you in time of distress. I don't know what I would do without them :) I hope that when they are in distress as well I can be there to help them as much as they have helped me. It's literally saved our butts!
I haven't made it to church but I'm gonna try really hard this summer to make it as much as I can. I met with my pre-med advisor who totally rolled her eyes when I told her I wanted to take an accelerated Physics class for half of summer. She probably said the word "NO" 15 times. Then she rolled her eyes again when I explained my need to get A's and feelings of being a failure if I got anything lower than an A-. She told me to just take summer off and get my bearings back together. Obviously I'm not gonna go through summer without doing anything because I have all this leadership, community service, and physician shadowing that I have to do. If I rack up enough hours then I'll stay on track for applications next year; if not, then I'll have to stay behind one year. Each option has its pros and cons and I'm very torn on the decision. I thought I had decided what was best but then the pros of the other option are better in the long run. My advisor asked me why I was in such a rush, and honestly, I could not give her a clear answer. I don't know why I'm in such a rush. I think it's because of financial reasons, and I just want to be done with school as fast as I can. I don't want to be nearing 40 by the time I'm done with everything. But then I'm only 23 and I still have a long time to finish school.
Today I went up to the school for a PreMed Women's Conference that my school was putting out for pre-med women, and I decided to go to see what other female doctors and med students had to say. I worked all night last night and decided to stay up all day for this, and I'm back at work again (by the time I go to bed again, it'll be 48 hours since I finished sleeping last). It was the best thing I've done in a while. These doctors and med students described their fears and obstacles, and I could totally relate to every one of them, such as the disappointments that are so overwhelming because we tend to run ourselves down with thoughts of worthlessness and how we'll never become doctors, and the problems we have with some people thinking we're crazy and that we should not walk down this path, and how they've been able to overcome those things. This workshop was the best thing for me, right now, because it put things in perspective once again. They said that it's okay to have a bad semester, and all you can do is explain that to the admissions committees of what happened. Bad things happen to the best of us and there's not much that we can do to control those problems. They also said getting into medical school takes a lot of perseverance, and we need to be able to pick ourselves up off the floor every time we get beaten down because it's gonna happen multiple times, and we need to be able to show our strength when that happens. I could go on and on about how awesome it was to talk to these students and doctors and ask them all sorts of questions, but I don't have all day....
So here I am. I still have a slight amount of strength left in me to finish this semester. I did well on my Chemistry exam and that helped quite a bit. I did poorly on the Physiology exam but my professor isn't giving up hope for me that I can get out of this funk by the end of the semester. I just took a Calculus exam and I'm getting it back on tuesday, and it was an easy exam, so I'm hoping for an awesome score. Chemistry lab ended and all I have is the last exam and a comprehensive final to help boost my score up (if the final exam is good then we replace 2 of our lowest exam scores with that final score). I finished my research and I'm pretty much done writing my paper. Wrapping up the semester feels better and it's helping my stress level.
Life at home is a little hectic... we're gearing up to put our place on the market. We have to short sell which isn't always fun but what can we do... I've been kinda looking around for other places to live and I've found some cute townhomes for rent. Hopefully we can move out by the end of the year.
My son turned 2 years old one week ago. I can't believe he's 2. Time does fly when you have children; it's so crazy. We got him a cat (we named it Hercules) and he just loves the cat. He even sits down next to it with a book and reads it to the cat. Such a sweetie.
Anyway. My nerves are calm and under control... I think I can survive another 3 weeks of this. Then my focus shifts to extracurricular activities for the summer.

What to do...

I'm not bored if that's what you think. In fact, I'm trying to study but my mind is set on other things right now, which are blocking my ability to actually retain any information from the 6 chapters of Physiology I have to memorize for a test in 3 days.
I hit a breaking point this week.
First of all, I need to begin by saying how much I love school. I love to learn, and if you put education that's medically related in front of me, you better believe I'm excited to learn about it. The thought of being in school for another 6 years is scary, but to be honest, it'll be great. Education is such a necessity these days, and I'm glad I don't get bored with school.
But because we all have lives outside of school, depending on the circumstances of these extra-curricular activities, it can make school a burden and overall not enjoyable anymore.
Let me explain:
My friend who babysat my son for me on Fridays last semester and part of this semester had her work schedule changed on her, which means she can't come over anymore. I scrambled to find a replacement, which my husband did, and his parents were willing to pay for her to come and watch my son. Out of the four times we called her to come, she only showed up once. She's unreliable, and at this point, I need someone who'll be consistent and who will show up! I also got into a fight with my mom (long annoying story), and now she won't be coming to watch my son on tuesday mornings either, which means I'm out of a babysitter for 2 days/week and I'm FLIPPING out. Yeah, we could consider daycare, but it just breaks my heart. I hate that thought of dropping him off with strangers and kids who might give him RSV. I may just have to get over that and find a daycare for him on monday so he can start there on tuesday morning. We don't have the money to do that but I'm left with no other choice. She didn't come on Friday for my lab, and now I can't put up with that anymore.
We're short selling our place. Yes, I know. We can't financially afford it anymore, and my husband's raise that was supposed to go into effect on April 1st fell through that same day. And because our mortgage went up, it means we gotta get outta there. I hate moving, and especially now. It's not a good time. But we gotta leave before we're forehead-high in financial problems.
I miss going to church. I haven't been regularly in over a year, and it's starting to show. I'm not myself anymore: I turned into a depressed soul who has constant meltdowns over the smallest things. It's hard for me to not go because we all need a little spiritual boost every week, and for me, it's causing some harm. Maybe it's clinical depression, and I'm not sure. However, I have to work every weekend because school takes over the other 5 days of the week. Even if I tried to go, I could only be there every other weekend (I work sunday days every other week, and saturday nights the opposite weekends). And this brings me to my next and final point:
THE MOMMY GUILT. When will this little black cloud get away from me?! Not taking my family to church makes me feel guilty. Along with the fact that I can't be there with my son when he needs me. And hang out with my husband when he misses me. I only get to hang out with him once every two weeks, and that could potentially be hazardous to our relationship down the line.
What am I supposed to do?!
I tried to be super woman and I failed. I wanted to give my all to all aspects of my life, as any perfectionist would, and it didn't work. I got burnt out. And all these problems along the way only made things more difficult for me as I saw things fall apart and I lost control of them all. I recognize this sounds possessive, but that's how I am. And I don't know how to fix anything. Here I am, yet again, contemplating the thought of quitting school. It would work wonderfully now, but what about my future? And my family's future? I'd be miserable beyond belief, and I bet my family would suffer as a consequence of that. But what if I keep going? Will I end up in a psych hospital somewhere because I couldn't handle it anymore? Will I still find happiness along the way even when the road gets so dark and cold and there's no one to lean on? I ask myself these questions nearly every day now. The stress is piling on and I don't have a place to dump them into. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore except to cry... and when I find time, write on here.
I've read some of my previous posts and since the middle of last semester, I'm just not the same person as before. I'm not my happy self anymore.
On a happy note, when I thought I was miserably failing Physiology, I'm actually pulling a B on that class. I hope I can end with an A on this next test to boost my grade up. Just like Chem and Calc.
I pray for strength to get through this next week.

It's down time.

That actually has two meanings:
1) I do have down time which is why I'm posting, and
2) It's been a rough couple of weeks, which is why I'm down.
My midterms were a disaster. I improved in Chemistry but my score was still unacceptable and I got lower exams scores in Physiology and Calculus. My poor husband had to bear with me as I came home from school the day I found out my last two exam scores bawling my eyes out and crying so hard I could've hyperventilated if he hadn't told me everything was going to be fine. I haven't had that hard of a sobbing session for a year! I figured I was overdue for one. But now my meltdowns are coming weekly (sometimes biweekly if it's a bad week), and thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I should just give everything up. It's getting really tough. And seriously, TOUGH. Tough as in "there's nothing harder in life as far as school goes than this" tough. But I know there's a lot harder classes out there and harder majors and this is probably a breeze. But for me and the situation I'm in... it's been a rollercoaster. No wonder no moms want to go through this. It's too much work. And who knows if it'll pay off at the end? Who knows if I'll get accepted to med school? What if I don't? What will I do? I can't imagine life being anything but a doctor, so if I don't get in after all this hard work, I might lose it and have to spend a few weeks in a psych ward. But I MUST keep my chin up, and that's what I keep telling myself. I had an awesome semester last semester, and it was time for things to get really bad. And this is it, right now. One thing that has been affecting my school performance was the fact that my son wasn't sleeping through the night. He was getting up between 5-10x/night. We finally took him to the pediatrician last week to figure something out, and we had to medicate him for three nights in order to get him back to the sleep schedule he was supposed to be in. And it worked great. He's not medicated anymore and he's sleeping through the night... except for last night because he got a terrible cold and his poor little nose is like a running faucet, and he's coughing a ton at night, which wakes him up. So anyway. But other than that, he's doing better. His vocabulary has exploded in the last two weeks, which means less temper tantrums because he can communicate his wants instead of whining and throwing himself on the floor.
I've been trying to get ahead on my school work and trying to truly understand it all. I was having a hard time with Calculus for a while, but I finally got over the "hump" and things are crystal clear again. Chemistry is getting easier so I'm hoping for a better test score next time. See, here's the thing: when I think about getting good grades, because that's what every pre-med student should be doing (trying to be top of their class), I see grading as A then F. For me there's no B's or C's or D's. It's either I do really well or I fail, because if I don't come first, then I'm a loser, do you see what I'm saying? So it's been a struggle accepting the fact that it's okay to get a B+. But I just hate that thought. And these grades I've been getting are not even B's. They're lower. Which makes me so anxious and disappointed in myself. I used to be a really good student until this semester so I don't know where I derailed.
But in other news, next week is spring break. I'm so thrilled! I need a break so badly. I haven't had a day off since President's Day, and I'm going to savor and enjoy every last minute of next week. I'm gonna go get a mani/pedi, get a massage, and I'll be doing some physician shadowing on monday which I'm so excited about, and then on thursday my husband and I are going out of town for the night to celebrate our 5-yr anniversary that came and went on the 5th. It'll be a great week! I can't hardly wait!
Happy days ahead!

Phew!

Busy week this past week... holy hannah, there's SO much that happened!
I had three exams this week. It was tough, but easier than last time since they were all on different days. Calculus was on tuesday, Physiology was on wednesday, and Chemistry was on friday. I wasn't too happy with the Calculus test; he made it tough this time, but I guess I deserved it because I didn't study very long for it. Hopefully I get better than a B on it. Then Physiology was good, nothing major to complain about... and then Chemistry: the big bad wolf in my life right now. I studied for EVER and knew pretty much every question except this one that my professor only skimmed through in lecture and didn't go into it at all, and then she comes around and asks a difficult question on it when clearly we weren't prepared for! Everyone was pretty ticked. It was lame. And it was worth the most points on the test (12% of the test score was this problem). Whatever. I give up.
So besides studying my tail off all week, my husband's grandpa passed away two thursday's ago, and his funeral was on friday. I have a hard time going to funerals because whenever I look at the person's body, I feel like I need to start doing chest compressions because they're not breathing. And I hate the sadness and the fact that they're gone... *sigh* he was my closest grandpa (geographically), and now I have no grandparents in this country! But my sister in law came from Florida and it was nice to see her and hang out with her for a while.
Also, on friday, it was mine and my husband's five year wedding anniversary. I had taken funeral leave from work because I thought the funeral was going to be later in the day, and because it turned out it was early in the day, I took the opportunity to have the night off and go out to dinner with my husband and my son. We went to a brazilian restaurant and it was the best $60 (yes, I know, so expensive!) I've spent in a long time. The food is always delicious, and although I get full, I don't feel crummy like I do when I eat at american restaurants. Strange.
On the home front, my son is not doing well. He's been throwing the worst tantrums and not sleeping well. He either sleeps all night or he wakes up 5-10x/night. It's crazy. I don't know what's going on, but I thought that maybe he wasn't getting all his energy out during the day, so I started taking him to the playground when I could, but he was still sleeping horribly at night. I just may have to take him to the doctor because we haven't changed any routines lately and I don't know how else to help him. I read online, however, that this could happen when they're reaching a major developmental milestone. It coincides with the time his vocabulary exploded, so I think there's a correlation.
We also got our hefty tax return a couple of weeks ago, and we bought ourselves a luxurious TV with a nice entertainment center, and then a new fridge and a new dishwasher (which just happened to be too big for the places they were being placed into, so I had to return them). So now we're on the hunt for a smaller fridge, and we'll probably use the money from the dishwasher for our summer fun activities for when my dad comes to visit us from Brazil.
Oh, and some fabulous news: my pre-med advisor introduced me to another potential pre-med mom! I'm so thrilled. I'm hoping this will help me with my "loneliness" and getting through my struggles. It's so tough not knowing anyone who's doing what I'm doing, and I know this will help tremendously. It always helps to do tough things with friends that know how bad it is :) But like I've said a million times, I'd much rather be struggling than sitting on the couch all day doing nothing. I'm not like that. I can't stay home and not have a fulfilling life. Yeah, it's difficult and the road is very rocky, but it'll payoff big time at the end and I'll be glad I went through all this hell to get there.
When I was cleaning my house today (which, I know my house appreciated it since I was neglecting it for quite a while due to all those exams!), I was listening to my IPod and was listening to the lyrics of "One in a million" by the Backstreet Boys. If you ever have a chance, look up those lyrics. The song described me almost identically to what the song was about.
Lastly, I got this letter a couple of MONTHS ago and totally forgot to share on here: apparently I was placed on the President's List at the community college that I attended up until last semester for taking 15 credits and getting a 3.9 GPA. Too bad they didn't know that I was also working full-time and taking care of a family, otherwise I think they would've given me a huge prize besides that dinky letter. But at least it's a recognition I can use on my medical school application!
Well, I think that's it for now. Will write more later!

Quick update

I have to hurry as I have a terrible feeling that my son is destroying whatever he's touching right now.
I did well on that Physiology exam. I got an A in it. That's always good news!
I'm stalling with Chemistry again. I'm thinking of not getting a minor in Chem anymore. It's too hard and honestly, not worth it since I already have an Associate's Degree. But I still need to keep going (need 3 more Chem classes), so I don't know what to do.
And guess what?! I've got three exams next week. I just had exams! What the heck! At least they're spaced out now so I'll have time to study in between tests.
Last week was a train wreck from you-know-where. My son hit the Terrible Two's stage and screamed and cried all of last week, not to mention the horrible temper tantrums and lack of afternoon naps. I had a meltdown myself, and it escalated to the point where my husband had to put up with him on saturday night by himself while I was at work. That night they didn't go to sleep until 5am sunday morning. Good grief. But now things are better- I switched the door lock on the handle to his room to be on the outside, and he's sleeping better and eating better, and the tantrums are considerably less than last week. Thanks goodness! I thought the world was going to end.
Research is going well. Studying dopamine now. It's too bad that there hasn't been too much research done on dopamine, but I get around it by looking at databases. It's awesome stuff. Computer programming, on the other hand, not so awesome. It really blows. Dr. H is helping me with it but I don't get it. Maybe I need to give it time, or I might just drop it altogether. We'll see.
My husband and I have our 5 year wedding anniversary coming up on the 5th of March and we won't be doing anything for it until week of Spring Break. I'm excited because we're going out of town overnight without our son. We've never been on vacation just us two so it should be interesting.
K, gotta go!

Better week!

Whoa. When was the last time I updated this? Seems like forever ago. Maybe it hasn't, but it just felt that way because so much has happened in the last week.
So, from the top:
Calculus: HA! Scored a 94% on the exam. That is some AWESOME news right there. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, I was so thrilled! Then we got into derivatives with trigonometric functions and then I had to wipe that smile off my face really fast. I'm hoping my professor will explain it a little more because I really don't get it, especially that darn "Chain Rule".
Chemistry: the first exam was last wednesday and it was a train wreck. I couldn't finish it- it was too long, and I was drawing a blank. I ended up being late coming home so my husband could go to work and that frustrated me even more. Good thing they're very understanding at his work for him being late or I would've had a cow. Anyway. Got my exam score on friday. Needless to say, I can't even share on here how badly I did because it was the worst exam score I've gotten. EVER. It's embarrassing. I was so upset I was shaking. I'm having a tough time in this class. I think I just need to spend a little more time studying it. It seems it always get put in the backburner for whatever reason and I need to quit doing that. I emailed my teacher of how frustrating that was and she comforted me and told me that if it ends up being the worst score of all the 5 exams, then I can drop this one. THANK GOODNESS. Ah, and lab you ask? Still scared out of my pants every friday, but this past friday lab was easy, although the questions on the report are way hard and I don't get it at all. One good thing happening this week though: NO LAB! I'm so happy I can't even contain myself.
Physiology: also had an exam last wednesday (I know, I got so lucky...) and I was just petrified. I spent 5 days studying for it because his sample exams scared me half to death. They're REALLY hard, possibly the hardest and longest test I've taken. When I was walking from the train station up to class, I caught up with one of the TA's for the class, who also just happens to be Pre-Med, and he told me it was all going to be fine and he understood my need to not just "pass the course", but to also be one of the best in the class. The exam went great. I knew just about everything on it, and was even able to draw the Phospholipase C Signal Transduction Pathway (hardest question on the exam) from memory without messing any of it up. What a relief! I'll probably find out the score tomorrow, so I'm hoping for the best.
Research: I'm back on the wagon again! Dr. H probably felt bad about what he told me a couple weeks ago and he wants me to continue studying blue eyes/aggression. I'm excited because now I'm having to study some Biochemical pathways which are supporting my hypothesis. It's a great feeling to be moving forward. I'm also in the process of figuring out how to work with a database called ALFRED, out of Yale University, and it deals with genetics and allele frequencies in world populations. As far as the Python thing, it's not going well. I think I may take Dr. H up on the idea that if it's too much of a headache, I can drop it and work around it. So we'll see.
In other news, my husband and I celebrated Valentine's Day early and went out to dinner last friday. It was a great date. I ended up having to work all weekend, and got little homework done. Work was busy. Then today was my first day off since Martin Luther King Day, so we headed up to a friend's house and had a BBQ. It was great to do nothing! I even got up at 11:30am, which was the best part of it all. My next day off will be Spring Break, week of March 14th. I'm looking forward to that.
My son learned to open doors, which means I have to go to the store and buy those safety things that make it nearly impossible to open a door. He got out of his room twice last night and it was so irritating. He's definitely in the "Terrible Two's" stage and it's been very challenging, partly because I don't know how to deal with it. Good thing we're not doing this again, unless there's another "oopsie moment". I feel bad he won't have another sibling if we can help it, but I'm not good with kids, and we should probably stop while we're ahead. It makes my husband sad, but I'm not sure how to make him and I happy.
Lastly, the best news of the week: we're getting a $3500 tax return! I always feel like I'm going into an execution when I get to my accountant's office, but this year it turned out great. Ah, the possibilities of what to do with the money are infinite: pay off one of the cars, buy a new fridge and a dishwasher (we don't have a dishwasher), put in new windows, get central-air, go on a "spa" day, buy new clothes, new TVs... so many choices! Too bad we can only choose a couple of them. Darn it!

12-day run

Well, for these past two weeks I've been either going to school, or working, or both for 12 straight days in a row. Here's how it went:
Days 1-5: went to school, had little sleep (I consider 7 hrs of sleep every night little sleep since I actually need 9-10 to be functioning well), waking up at 6am every morning. So far, so good.
Day 6-7: worked two 12-hr shifts during the day, waking up at 6am every morning. Getting slightly grumpy, but it's bearable.
Day 8: beginning of the school week and dreading Friday's Chem lab. Still waking up at 6am and not doing well. Getting frustrated and wondering why I chose to do this, which led to a complete meltdown while cleaning the master bathroom and my son consistently trying to grab ahold of any chemical bottle he could find. I cried and sobbed for at least half an hour. I ended up putting my son in his room and shutting the door before I lost it, and then when I went back, he was playing with his toys, and upon seeing my red, swollen face, he lovingly said, "Momma? Awww, momma..." and patted my back when I gave him a hug. It was sweet tender moment that reminded me how precious that little guy is and how grateful I am that he is in my life.
Day 9-12: after a good talk with my husband, things were a bit better, and I began having a positive outlook on life once again, although I was still going through the same cruddy schedule and not having enough sleep.

So... what has happened in the last 12 days that have just put me over the edge?!
1) I had a Calculus test. But it wasn't that the test was hard, it was just the thought of having a test. I think I have major test anxiety because I do really well in homework and everything else, but when it comes to testing, I always draw a blank when I take a first look at it. I still don't know the results because the exam was this past thursday. Good thing the material was relatively easy and I would be surprised if I didn't Ace the exam.
2) My hypothesis for my genetics research got shot down. It involved people with blue eyes being less agressive than someone, let's say, with brown eyes. But I was told that was "politically incorrect" and that I should probably look at history more than just look at symptoms from DNA mutation. The crappy thing about this whole ordeal is that I spent so much time research the stupid gene that I actually had a pretty big discovery that left the doctor that helps me quite surprised. I know  he wants to help me (he even said he's made some politically incorrect publications), but I was really onto something here, and I'm sad I have to drop it. Too bad people in the world are so ignorant and think that my findings could be "racist", instead of looking at them from a scientific point of view. So dumb because I don't even have blue eyes!!! *sigh* And to top it off: computer programming is the biggest pain in the behind I could ever hope for, and I have to read a 60-page publication on genetics and the economy. Joy.
3) I got a 50% on one of my Physiology quizzes. Granted the quizzes are only worth 4 points, but still. That bothers me. We've had 5 quizzes so far and I've gotten 100% on all but two of them.
4) My chemistry TA is a moron and doesn't know how to teach. He's not helpful at all and I don't understand why I'm still attending discussion sessions when clearly it's not helping me. Good thing the chapters are finally getting easier to understand, which means Chapter 13 was the top of the hill, and everything from there is all down hill.
5) Chemistry Lab scares the H out of me. I hate doing lab work and I'm always terrified I'm going to mess up an experiment so bad that I'll have to start from scratch and not have time to finish. I'm glad that has never happened (this is my 4th chem class), but that thought crosses my mind every day.
6) I got sick and tired of doing everything myself, such as laundry, all the house cleaning, paying bills, getting the mail, cooking, etc... My husband and I decided he was taking on the roll of doing all the laundry and giving our son all the baths. That should take care of some of the stress.
7) And last, the icing on the cake, the big bad wolf of the whole story: I found out both the Chem exam and Physiology exam next week are on the SAME day. Those are my hardest classes, and how do I get so lucky?! It wouldn't be so bad if it was Calc and Phys, or Calc and Chem, but Chem and Phys together?! I hope the "testing gods" will pity me and not allow for that to happen again for the remainder of the semester.

I realize this is a big rant... and I apologize. If anyone reads this thing (which I know two people do!) they probably think I'm the world's most negative person, and surely most depressing as well. Like I said before, I'm just really stressed and still trying to figure out this whole schedule. Once I get into a groove- within the next 2-3 weeks, I should be less grumpy. I hope. :)

To end on a good note: I forgot about the weekly quizzes for chem lab, and since I hadn't studied for it when she announced she was passing them out on tuesday, I just calmed down and made sure I thought all the questions through before moving on to the next one. And it worked: I got a 90%! :D

Flashbacks

Let's rewind time to just over 5 years ago. I had been accepted to the university I'm currently attending just out of high school and was experiencing the college life everyone had been talking about all throughout high school. I lived at home with my parents and my boyfriend and I had broken up for a bit of time that semester because he moved to another city. I was having all sorts of health issues because of the stress and life was just horrible that fall following graduation. I wasn't focused on my school work and everything seemed fuzzy and confusing. I was taking Elem. Chem, a low-end math class, Sociology, and Gen. Biology. I ended that semester with a 3.2 GPA, and engaged to my now-husband (he moved back eventually).
Now, 5 years later, I'm in the same state of confusion as I was then.
Yesterday I attended my first chem lab of the semester, and the memories just flooded my mind. Except the situation this time is more difficult than last time. We have to do labs on our own (compared to the partnership deal I've done all along), and there's more prep time involved. I'm still way confused with the material and I can't focus. I did just fine in Gen. Chem I, what's up with Gen. Chem II??? I still haven't figured that one out... Hopefully I will soon.
On the other hand, Calculus is heaven. Everything is crystal clear. I feel bad for the students who don't remember how to factor or do simple algebra problems. Good thing our professor is amazing and goes over the little stuff, and NEVER skips steps. It's so helpful. Speaking of him, after he told us what he had to go through with his major, I don't feel so bad for myself anymore: he graduated with a bachelor's degree in Civil Engineering, and apparently when you go on to get your Master's or PhD or what not, you have to take a COMET exam (I'm not sure on that one). Anyway, back in the day the test lasted 16 hrs, now it's 20, which is spaced out in 3 days. The last day of his test, he was given only one problem in fluid mechanics that took the entire time to solve. He had never taken the class, and he had to go read a textbook in order to solve it. The solution was 19 pages long. YIKES!!!! I should NEVER complain about my life after hearing this one!
I bombed my Physiology quiz last wednesday. I've always been horrible at counting how many dumb FADH2s and NADHs each cycle of cellular respiration uses, and that's what he concentrated on, instead of looking at the big picture ("how many pyruvates do you get from a glucose molecule?" or "how many ATPs are produced in the Electron Transport Chain???"). I just blew it off like it never happened. We can drop the lowest 5 quizzes, and this will be one of them.
As far as life at home... My son has officially entered the two year old phase. I thought his cries were bad until this week, when they've been blown into hysterical crying and kicking. I told my husband I no longer want any more kids. For real. I'm not doing this again. And unless we have an accident again, the factory has shut down. Won't get a tubal though; I'll wait until I'm 40 for that.
Then last night my husband and I went out on a date (I had almost forgotten what a 'date' was). We went to dinner and then to watch Sherlock Holmes. It was a great movie! I love the mysteries and solving situations. No wonder I want to be a doctor ;)
I've been trying to find women that live in my state that are pre-med moms. Can't seem to find any. Maybe I'm the only lunatic that's doing this here. I'm thinking of posting something in the Pre-Med advising office about a support group for pre-med moms.Hopefully I'll find another person to lean on as I walk this journey... Not that my family isn't supportive, I just need to find someone that's doing the same thing... you get my point.

Chem's kicking my behind!

Chemistry has been really confusing so far. According to my professor and her faculty partner, they've decided that Chapter 13 from the book we're using and currently studying is the hardest chapter of the book. Nice. Way to start the semester studying something so difficult, I'm starting to doubt my abilities in figuring Chemistry out. In fact, I'm so confused I've been in a funk for about a week now. It's really getting to me. The Chemistry class has 4 components to it: lecture, discussion for lecture, lab, and discussion for lab. I have a horrible TA for lecture discussion who speaks as loud as a mouse and doesn't go over the homework problems. Thank goodness the rest is all done by the professor, but still, the material is very difficult. How can I be a doctor if I feel I'll fail this class?! So far I'm getting 100% in it, but that's with a TON of work.
Good thing I have other classes to lift my spirits. Physiology is great so far... all pretty much a summary of what I studied back in Cell Biology last semester. Both my quiz scores have come back at 100% as well, and I'm pleased to know I'm doing something right. My other class is Calculus I and that's my favorite one, believe it or not... I like studying limits. It's kinda fun. Plus I have a professor that's really good at teaching so it helps tremendously.
My research is also doing well. I'm close to figuring out a hypothesis- something to do with sexual motivation and people with blue eyes. More than 90% of them live in the Baltic area (Northern Europe, Sweden, Finland, etc), so I'm trying to figure out birth rates between those people and people with brown eyes in other parts of the world. There's still a lot to be done, but I love it. Recently I received in the mail a huge poster with all the chromosomes and selected genes (it was like Christmas!). Turns out the X chromosome is almost as big as chromosome 1, and the Y chromosome is very tiny, about the size of chromosome 22. Now I can see why women are so much more "with it" than men. We have a lot of genes!
Like I said, I've been in a bad mood lately, I think it's because of the routine change. I'm hoping to get over it pretty soon. Also it doesn't help I've been having an extreme bout of "mommy guilt". It always seems to hit at the wrong time.
My son's been kinda needy lately and won't go to bed on his own like he used to. I've been having to put him to bed 3-4 times/night before he actually stays there and doesn't get out. I guess he just misses me and wants to play, but I need to sleep too! (That's another part of the problem: lack of enough sleep).
I'm hoping to get enough help with Chemistry before I consider myself an utter failure for being in the dark so much.
Can you tell I set the bar so high?!

This is TOUGH.

I haven't written on here in a while so I thought I'd post.
I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not because I don't see any comments, but this blog functions as a journal for me, but definitely as a help to any moms out there who may be wondering what it's like to be a mom and be pre-med. I just like being able to vent.
Well... school started. And it's been tough. I forgot to mention, however, that instead of taking Genetics I switched it up with Physiology. Maybe I did mention this already? Sounds vaguely familiar, but oh well. Lack of babysitter choices put me in Physiology instead. I'm sad I wasn't able to take it this semester since my big undergrad research is this semester and it's on Anthropological Genetics. I'm working with a distinguished doctor who graduated from Yale and has taught at Yale and Harvard. He's an awesome geneticist and so far I've learned a lot about genetics. He's also a published author of a book (among dozens of articles and other texts) and I've had the opportunity of reading it. It was a great book. Now I have to learn a little bit about computer programming in order to help with research, and needless to say, I'm quite scared... but it's just one more hurdle to jump over this semester.
I have class every morning at 7:30. It's been different to wake up so early in the morning, but it's been doable. I'm not a morning person at all, but I've been taking some hot chocolate with me to drink in the car, then I listen to my IPod while I walk (it's about 10-15 minutes walking from my car to the building where Chem classes are at). Last night I began taking melatonin as a natural way to help me sleep more deeply, and it worked. I woke up today and didn't feel very tired, especially this afternoon.
My financial problems with the school are still up in the air, which is why I need to call them to see if I can just get the late fee added on ($60 max) so I can at least wait for the tuition money to come through. I'll be devastated, though, if I don't get enough financial aid because it'll mean I have to drop out of school and not go in until Summer if I can get it paid for. I just turned in applications for 3 scholarships and if I get those, it'll cover 3 semesters worth of tuition. Hopefully I'll get them.
Then my husband and I decided we need to sell our condo and move. Our HOA is being raised and we'll be assessed every year for at least $500 to $1000 for about 4 years and we can't handle it. So we're gonna sell quickly (hopefully) and move into a rental townhome/duplex closer to school, if not student housing. It's probably good this way because what if I get accepted to med school outside of the state? It'll be an easy way to get out of here instead of trying to sell later.
Anyway, back to the school thing. I have lots of homework (I just saw I have a one 5-credit course, and 3 4-credit courses this semester)... I should be doing homework but I need to unwind. I'm pretty busy and I can't seem to adjust to my schedule yet. That's the worst part of it all: not having a regular schedule. It drives me crazy.
Today I read that it's okay to not have your house cleaned spotless when you go to work and school and take care of a family. You may think that's a no-brainer, but to me, when it's written down in an article, is almost like a commandment. I'm not sure why my mind can't figure these things out, but I figured that out today and this semester I'll be working on letting things go- a little. I won't get lazy or nasty, but you get my point.
I have a Calculus class that has a really awesome professor. He's got a PhD in Engineering (what is it with these engineers?! They're all over the place now that I see them- especially in my chem class). When he first walked through the door last week to begin class I could've sworn they pulled a bum out of the street to teach. He's not "polished" by any means, but he has some great advice and he's an awesome professor. I'm so glad I got him for Calculus because I know I'll be struggling, and he's very understanding and willing to answer questions, which is great. So far we're reviewing about 1 1/2 years of math (college algebra, trig) so it's a piece of cake.
So far it's tough, but like I said, it's probably because I don't have a regular schedule yet, and I'm still nervous about my tuition money. We'll see what happens. If I drop out, it'll be okay... and that's what I keep telling myself in between the tears.

A few thoughts on being pre-med...

As the semester is nearing, and about to show its beasty, ugly head, I wonder sometimes if I'm thinking clearly. And I mean "clearly" as in maybe I'm truly crazy.
Perhaps it's mommy guilt again, but every once in a while, I feel like I shouldn't be doing any of this. I feel like I'm not cut out for a career in medicine and that I should be at home taking care of gosh knows how many kids. I look at my son and think, "How sad is that he'll grow up without having a mommy next to him, and helping him whenever he needs?" Obviously med school isn't time consuming in such a way that you don't even get time to go to the bathroom or eat a meal, but still, it's busy. And I know a lot of parents who attend med school do have time to spend with their kids, one way or another, and yet, I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to understand that I'll have time (a little of it) to spend with my son. And what makes me even more sad (that's the worst part of the guilt) is that he'll go through most of his whole childhood and have no recollection of his mom ever being home, that is, once I decide on a specialty and become a resident, I'll hardly ever be home, and if I am, I'll be sleeping.
Then, on the other hand, I look at other moms who don't work and are lucky enough to stay at home with their kids full-time, and I wonder how they do it. Really. How can they handle not doing anything for themselves and focusing all of their time and energy to their kids and husbands? Possibly, they do something for themselves but it's hardly ever heard of because it's always so private (such as painting, writing, etc.)... I wonder why that is. I HAVE to do something for myself. What's the point of getting an Associate's or Bachelor's degree if you're not going to use it?! In addition, I feel like I must be needed outside of my own home to make my life fulfilling. I wish I could just settle for the easier route and be a SAHM, but mentally, I'd go crazy (although I do envy SAHMs sometimes).
But anyway... how do pre-med moms and moms in med school find balance in their lives? Obviously there's sacrifice of something (sometimes time with husbands, time for themselves, time for their kids, or time to clean the house), and it's hard to decide what to sacrifice. I find that I sacrifice a lot of time with my husband, and that's not good, therefore I have to work on it. I have to learn that letting the house get a bit dirty is okay and that not being on Facebook as long as I'd like is acceptable.
There's got to be some sort of strong support system, though, in and outside of the home, to make it all work.  I think it helps a lot to have someone (mostly a family member) that is available to watch kids or what not if the mom needs to go to school and the father is at work. It's hard for me because I only have two family members that are close, but only my mother in law is willing to watch my son at a moment's notice, and it's only in the evenings. It's pretty difficult to want to stay in school when it's that hard to find a babysitter. This last week I was super worried (and still am) that I can't find a babysitter for Tuesday mornings. I only have two more days to find a babysitter before I end up having to drop out of Chemistry if I can't find one. That will make me cry. The good news is that my friend who watched my son last semester of friday afternoons is willing to do it again this semester with no pay. She's such an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her help.
I hope I can make it through this semester and come out on top. I always have this huge fear that everything will fall apart and that all my hard work will go to waste... I'm so depressed and the semester hasn't even started yet. That's a sign of trouble.

Ready? Wait... not yet.

I hope everyone's holidays went well. Ours went fine. I had to work half-shift (6 hrs) on Christmas Eve, which wasn't a big deal. We stayed in town for all of the holidays which was nice. We were supposed to go up to the mountains for New Years with a few friends but that didn't work out. So we hung out nearby with some friends and it was great! I got to take care of a few things, and that is always awesome with me.
My final GPA for last semester ended up being a 3.92. Yeah, not the 4.0 I was expecting, but it was close. I got A's in all my classes but Chemistry (A-). I was pretty ticked off considering I worked so hard in that class, I thought for sure he was going to curve. Oh well. But the thing that bothers me is the 3.92 on my transcript. Obviously this is the best semester in college I've had yet, but the 3.92 clearly says "You were perfect... but not perfect enough". Grr.
Spring semester starts on monday and I'm already chewing on my fingernails. I'm super nervous. I transferred to the 4-yr university and today I got my student ID, train pass, and parking pass all taken care of. Then I walked into the student building to talk to the financial office personnel about my financial aid. I pretty much have to have tuition covered 100% by government-funded federal grants in order to pay for tuition. Just this past monday I found out I still had a few documents I needed to turn in, so I went there today to do just that. I was pleasantly informed that it would take 2 weeks for the paperwork to be processed, and another 2-3 weeks for the money to be disbursed into my account. Tuition is due on the 25th. I think I may punch hole through a wall! I can't believe I wasn't aware of that. Now I may have to temporarily drop out of school and wait until summer semester to go back to school... however, the big problem with this plan is that I may have to re-apply for school and then it'll put me a whole year behind in applying for medical school because I won't have finished the Chemistry series by then, and if so, my summer will suck. *deep breath* I'm just going to pray that my money will miraculously come through in time for the tuition deadline. Cross your fingers for me, will ya?!
Until then, I'll go to school and pretend nothing's happening. I still have to get my books. I got a nice, cute new backpack (first backpack I've had since 9th grade!!!) and I'm getting my Ipod updated with songs to keep me entertained while I walk (it's a HUGE campus). I also got a new scarf and gloves - it's very cold here, every day is below freezing. My backpack, Ipod, and scarf and gloves are all pink. I don't know how that happened because pink is definitely not my favorite color. Even this background is pink. What the heck?!....