I'm still torn. My decision of how to pursue this education is tremendously tough. On one hand I could almost kill myself for another year but then graduate on time, or I could take my time and delay graduation by one year.
Both choices have their pros and cons, and sadly, the delay option seems more reasonable at this point. And I say "sadly" because I hate the thought of setting myself behind by another year. One year is a long time. It may not seem like it in the long run, but day by day, it's a long time. Also, by delaying graduation by a year I'll be able to relax a little more and put in more time and effort into physician shadowing, volunteering, and getting some leadership experience. Eventually it's a better way to go, and most likely, will help my med school application. And also and more importantly, I'll be able to enjoy my son and being a mom full time for a little longer before I start medical school.
Then there's the accelerated choice, in which I take O Chem and Physics for a full year (but those would be the only classes I take), and get all my 50+ hrs of volunteering and physician shadowing and leadership done this summer (total of about 150 hrs) if I want to have a good looking application. So basically I'm taking summer off school either way, but if I decide on this route, then I will be very busy. However, it just sounds so "forced", in a way that I'm only doing all that so I can "check boxes" on my application. Not to mention that in the fall and spring I'll be taking a total of 10 credits just with those two classes (Physics is 4 if I remember corrently, and O Chem is 6) but compared to now that's 6 less credits than what I currently take. And I love the thought of actually staying on track with graduation, and taking the MCAT next May, and applying for med school next June. That just sounds soooo good, because it means I'm coming up on the finish line, and I cannot wait any longer to graduate!
So do I endure another year of busy-ness and stay on track or do I delay graduation and "relax"?
I'm putting up a poll on this, and maybe if people want to comment as to why I should go either way that would be helpful too.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wow....
When was the last time I updated this thing??? I can't even remember. All I remember was how frustrated I was, and how things were going to the crapper. But since then a ray of sunshine has come through and it's given me hope:
The babysitting issue resolved itself. A dear friend of mine volunteered to watch my son when she wasn't in school, which meant I didn't have to find daycare for him. It's such a relief to know great friends can be there to help you in time of distress. I don't know what I would do without them :) I hope that when they are in distress as well I can be there to help them as much as they have helped me. It's literally saved our butts!
I haven't made it to church but I'm gonna try really hard this summer to make it as much as I can. I met with my pre-med advisor who totally rolled her eyes when I told her I wanted to take an accelerated Physics class for half of summer. She probably said the word "NO" 15 times. Then she rolled her eyes again when I explained my need to get A's and feelings of being a failure if I got anything lower than an A-. She told me to just take summer off and get my bearings back together. Obviously I'm not gonna go through summer without doing anything because I have all this leadership, community service, and physician shadowing that I have to do. If I rack up enough hours then I'll stay on track for applications next year; if not, then I'll have to stay behind one year. Each option has its pros and cons and I'm very torn on the decision. I thought I had decided what was best but then the pros of the other option are better in the long run. My advisor asked me why I was in such a rush, and honestly, I could not give her a clear answer. I don't know why I'm in such a rush. I think it's because of financial reasons, and I just want to be done with school as fast as I can. I don't want to be nearing 40 by the time I'm done with everything. But then I'm only 23 and I still have a long time to finish school.
Today I went up to the school for a PreMed Women's Conference that my school was putting out for pre-med women, and I decided to go to see what other female doctors and med students had to say. I worked all night last night and decided to stay up all day for this, and I'm back at work again (by the time I go to bed again, it'll be 48 hours since I finished sleeping last). It was the best thing I've done in a while. These doctors and med students described their fears and obstacles, and I could totally relate to every one of them, such as the disappointments that are so overwhelming because we tend to run ourselves down with thoughts of worthlessness and how we'll never become doctors, and the problems we have with some people thinking we're crazy and that we should not walk down this path, and how they've been able to overcome those things. This workshop was the best thing for me, right now, because it put things in perspective once again. They said that it's okay to have a bad semester, and all you can do is explain that to the admissions committees of what happened. Bad things happen to the best of us and there's not much that we can do to control those problems. They also said getting into medical school takes a lot of perseverance, and we need to be able to pick ourselves up off the floor every time we get beaten down because it's gonna happen multiple times, and we need to be able to show our strength when that happens. I could go on and on about how awesome it was to talk to these students and doctors and ask them all sorts of questions, but I don't have all day....
So here I am. I still have a slight amount of strength left in me to finish this semester. I did well on my Chemistry exam and that helped quite a bit. I did poorly on the Physiology exam but my professor isn't giving up hope for me that I can get out of this funk by the end of the semester. I just took a Calculus exam and I'm getting it back on tuesday, and it was an easy exam, so I'm hoping for an awesome score. Chemistry lab ended and all I have is the last exam and a comprehensive final to help boost my score up (if the final exam is good then we replace 2 of our lowest exam scores with that final score). I finished my research and I'm pretty much done writing my paper. Wrapping up the semester feels better and it's helping my stress level.
Life at home is a little hectic... we're gearing up to put our place on the market. We have to short sell which isn't always fun but what can we do... I've been kinda looking around for other places to live and I've found some cute townhomes for rent. Hopefully we can move out by the end of the year.
My son turned 2 years old one week ago. I can't believe he's 2. Time does fly when you have children; it's so crazy. We got him a cat (we named it Hercules) and he just loves the cat. He even sits down next to it with a book and reads it to the cat. Such a sweetie.
Anyway. My nerves are calm and under control... I think I can survive another 3 weeks of this. Then my focus shifts to extracurricular activities for the summer.
The babysitting issue resolved itself. A dear friend of mine volunteered to watch my son when she wasn't in school, which meant I didn't have to find daycare for him. It's such a relief to know great friends can be there to help you in time of distress. I don't know what I would do without them :) I hope that when they are in distress as well I can be there to help them as much as they have helped me. It's literally saved our butts!
I haven't made it to church but I'm gonna try really hard this summer to make it as much as I can. I met with my pre-med advisor who totally rolled her eyes when I told her I wanted to take an accelerated Physics class for half of summer. She probably said the word "NO" 15 times. Then she rolled her eyes again when I explained my need to get A's and feelings of being a failure if I got anything lower than an A-. She told me to just take summer off and get my bearings back together. Obviously I'm not gonna go through summer without doing anything because I have all this leadership, community service, and physician shadowing that I have to do. If I rack up enough hours then I'll stay on track for applications next year; if not, then I'll have to stay behind one year. Each option has its pros and cons and I'm very torn on the decision. I thought I had decided what was best but then the pros of the other option are better in the long run. My advisor asked me why I was in such a rush, and honestly, I could not give her a clear answer. I don't know why I'm in such a rush. I think it's because of financial reasons, and I just want to be done with school as fast as I can. I don't want to be nearing 40 by the time I'm done with everything. But then I'm only 23 and I still have a long time to finish school.
Today I went up to the school for a PreMed Women's Conference that my school was putting out for pre-med women, and I decided to go to see what other female doctors and med students had to say. I worked all night last night and decided to stay up all day for this, and I'm back at work again (by the time I go to bed again, it'll be 48 hours since I finished sleeping last). It was the best thing I've done in a while. These doctors and med students described their fears and obstacles, and I could totally relate to every one of them, such as the disappointments that are so overwhelming because we tend to run ourselves down with thoughts of worthlessness and how we'll never become doctors, and the problems we have with some people thinking we're crazy and that we should not walk down this path, and how they've been able to overcome those things. This workshop was the best thing for me, right now, because it put things in perspective once again. They said that it's okay to have a bad semester, and all you can do is explain that to the admissions committees of what happened. Bad things happen to the best of us and there's not much that we can do to control those problems. They also said getting into medical school takes a lot of perseverance, and we need to be able to pick ourselves up off the floor every time we get beaten down because it's gonna happen multiple times, and we need to be able to show our strength when that happens. I could go on and on about how awesome it was to talk to these students and doctors and ask them all sorts of questions, but I don't have all day....
So here I am. I still have a slight amount of strength left in me to finish this semester. I did well on my Chemistry exam and that helped quite a bit. I did poorly on the Physiology exam but my professor isn't giving up hope for me that I can get out of this funk by the end of the semester. I just took a Calculus exam and I'm getting it back on tuesday, and it was an easy exam, so I'm hoping for an awesome score. Chemistry lab ended and all I have is the last exam and a comprehensive final to help boost my score up (if the final exam is good then we replace 2 of our lowest exam scores with that final score). I finished my research and I'm pretty much done writing my paper. Wrapping up the semester feels better and it's helping my stress level.
Life at home is a little hectic... we're gearing up to put our place on the market. We have to short sell which isn't always fun but what can we do... I've been kinda looking around for other places to live and I've found some cute townhomes for rent. Hopefully we can move out by the end of the year.
My son turned 2 years old one week ago. I can't believe he's 2. Time does fly when you have children; it's so crazy. We got him a cat (we named it Hercules) and he just loves the cat. He even sits down next to it with a book and reads it to the cat. Such a sweetie.
Anyway. My nerves are calm and under control... I think I can survive another 3 weeks of this. Then my focus shifts to extracurricular activities for the summer.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
What to do...
I'm not bored if that's what you think. In fact, I'm trying to study but my mind is set on other things right now, which are blocking my ability to actually retain any information from the 6 chapters of Physiology I have to memorize for a test in 3 days.
I hit a breaking point this week.
First of all, I need to begin by saying how much I love school. I love to learn, and if you put education that's medically related in front of me, you better believe I'm excited to learn about it. The thought of being in school for another 6 years is scary, but to be honest, it'll be great. Education is such a necessity these days, and I'm glad I don't get bored with school.
But because we all have lives outside of school, depending on the circumstances of these extra-curricular activities, it can make school a burden and overall not enjoyable anymore.
Let me explain:
My friend who babysat my son for me on Fridays last semester and part of this semester had her work schedule changed on her, which means she can't come over anymore. I scrambled to find a replacement, which my husband did, and his parents were willing to pay for her to come and watch my son. Out of the four times we called her to come, she only showed up once. She's unreliable, and at this point, I need someone who'll be consistent and who will show up! I also got into a fight with my mom (long annoying story), and now she won't be coming to watch my son on tuesday mornings either, which means I'm out of a babysitter for 2 days/week and I'm FLIPPING out. Yeah, we could consider daycare, but it just breaks my heart. I hate that thought of dropping him off with strangers and kids who might give him RSV. I may just have to get over that and find a daycare for him on monday so he can start there on tuesday morning. We don't have the money to do that but I'm left with no other choice. She didn't come on Friday for my lab, and now I can't put up with that anymore.
We're short selling our place. Yes, I know. We can't financially afford it anymore, and my husband's raise that was supposed to go into effect on April 1st fell through that same day. And because our mortgage went up, it means we gotta get outta there. I hate moving, and especially now. It's not a good time. But we gotta leave before we're forehead-high in financial problems.
I miss going to church. I haven't been regularly in over a year, and it's starting to show. I'm not myself anymore: I turned into a depressed soul who has constant meltdowns over the smallest things. It's hard for me to not go because we all need a little spiritual boost every week, and for me, it's causing some harm. Maybe it's clinical depression, and I'm not sure. However, I have to work every weekend because school takes over the other 5 days of the week. Even if I tried to go, I could only be there every other weekend (I work sunday days every other week, and saturday nights the opposite weekends). And this brings me to my next and final point:
THE MOMMY GUILT. When will this little black cloud get away from me?! Not taking my family to church makes me feel guilty. Along with the fact that I can't be there with my son when he needs me. And hang out with my husband when he misses me. I only get to hang out with him once every two weeks, and that could potentially be hazardous to our relationship down the line.
What am I supposed to do?!
I tried to be super woman and I failed. I wanted to give my all to all aspects of my life, as any perfectionist would, and it didn't work. I got burnt out. And all these problems along the way only made things more difficult for me as I saw things fall apart and I lost control of them all. I recognize this sounds possessive, but that's how I am. And I don't know how to fix anything. Here I am, yet again, contemplating the thought of quitting school. It would work wonderfully now, but what about my future? And my family's future? I'd be miserable beyond belief, and I bet my family would suffer as a consequence of that. But what if I keep going? Will I end up in a psych hospital somewhere because I couldn't handle it anymore? Will I still find happiness along the way even when the road gets so dark and cold and there's no one to lean on? I ask myself these questions nearly every day now. The stress is piling on and I don't have a place to dump them into. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore except to cry... and when I find time, write on here.
I've read some of my previous posts and since the middle of last semester, I'm just not the same person as before. I'm not my happy self anymore.
On a happy note, when I thought I was miserably failing Physiology, I'm actually pulling a B on that class. I hope I can end with an A on this next test to boost my grade up. Just like Chem and Calc.
I pray for strength to get through this next week.
I hit a breaking point this week.
First of all, I need to begin by saying how much I love school. I love to learn, and if you put education that's medically related in front of me, you better believe I'm excited to learn about it. The thought of being in school for another 6 years is scary, but to be honest, it'll be great. Education is such a necessity these days, and I'm glad I don't get bored with school.
But because we all have lives outside of school, depending on the circumstances of these extra-curricular activities, it can make school a burden and overall not enjoyable anymore.
Let me explain:
My friend who babysat my son for me on Fridays last semester and part of this semester had her work schedule changed on her, which means she can't come over anymore. I scrambled to find a replacement, which my husband did, and his parents were willing to pay for her to come and watch my son. Out of the four times we called her to come, she only showed up once. She's unreliable, and at this point, I need someone who'll be consistent and who will show up! I also got into a fight with my mom (long annoying story), and now she won't be coming to watch my son on tuesday mornings either, which means I'm out of a babysitter for 2 days/week and I'm FLIPPING out. Yeah, we could consider daycare, but it just breaks my heart. I hate that thought of dropping him off with strangers and kids who might give him RSV. I may just have to get over that and find a daycare for him on monday so he can start there on tuesday morning. We don't have the money to do that but I'm left with no other choice. She didn't come on Friday for my lab, and now I can't put up with that anymore.
We're short selling our place. Yes, I know. We can't financially afford it anymore, and my husband's raise that was supposed to go into effect on April 1st fell through that same day. And because our mortgage went up, it means we gotta get outta there. I hate moving, and especially now. It's not a good time. But we gotta leave before we're forehead-high in financial problems.
I miss going to church. I haven't been regularly in over a year, and it's starting to show. I'm not myself anymore: I turned into a depressed soul who has constant meltdowns over the smallest things. It's hard for me to not go because we all need a little spiritual boost every week, and for me, it's causing some harm. Maybe it's clinical depression, and I'm not sure. However, I have to work every weekend because school takes over the other 5 days of the week. Even if I tried to go, I could only be there every other weekend (I work sunday days every other week, and saturday nights the opposite weekends). And this brings me to my next and final point:
THE MOMMY GUILT. When will this little black cloud get away from me?! Not taking my family to church makes me feel guilty. Along with the fact that I can't be there with my son when he needs me. And hang out with my husband when he misses me. I only get to hang out with him once every two weeks, and that could potentially be hazardous to our relationship down the line.
What am I supposed to do?!
I tried to be super woman and I failed. I wanted to give my all to all aspects of my life, as any perfectionist would, and it didn't work. I got burnt out. And all these problems along the way only made things more difficult for me as I saw things fall apart and I lost control of them all. I recognize this sounds possessive, but that's how I am. And I don't know how to fix anything. Here I am, yet again, contemplating the thought of quitting school. It would work wonderfully now, but what about my future? And my family's future? I'd be miserable beyond belief, and I bet my family would suffer as a consequence of that. But what if I keep going? Will I end up in a psych hospital somewhere because I couldn't handle it anymore? Will I still find happiness along the way even when the road gets so dark and cold and there's no one to lean on? I ask myself these questions nearly every day now. The stress is piling on and I don't have a place to dump them into. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore except to cry... and when I find time, write on here.
I've read some of my previous posts and since the middle of last semester, I'm just not the same person as before. I'm not my happy self anymore.
On a happy note, when I thought I was miserably failing Physiology, I'm actually pulling a B on that class. I hope I can end with an A on this next test to boost my grade up. Just like Chem and Calc.
I pray for strength to get through this next week.
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