It's been a while since I last wrote in here... since I consider this my journal, this isn't any different than my real notebook journal at home. I think it's been at least a year or so since I wrote in that thing. Looks like the bad habit is transferring here too!
So school's been out for almost a month now, and it's been one heck of a roller coaster for us:
1) Our condo went up on the market at the beginning of this month, and so far we've only had one person come look at it, which turned out to be nothing because they put an offer somewhere else. Sad. The market is really slow, but we're not giving up hope yet.
2) I got my grades back! And I made the Dean's List for the second semester in a row, although my GPA was less than decent (3.51GPA).... So sickening. But better than what I thought they would be:
Anthropology Research: A
Calculus I: A
Gen Chem I Lecture: B
Gen Chem I Lab: B+
Physiology: B+
Yeah, yeah, that looks fine, but in my book, that's disgusting. I needed at least a 3.7GPA to be happy with myself. But whatever, it was the most horrible semester YET, I'm glad I made out alive. Apparently to make the Dean's List you need at least a 3.5GPA taking at least 12 credits. Well, let's hope to do this again next semester.
3) The cat we had gotten for my son turned out to be a disobedient little kitty who likes to bite and play (very) rough, so I had to turn him back into the Humane Society. It was a sad day, not because we got rid of the cat, but because of how Jacen would feel about the cat being gone. He still looks for the cat, saying "Kitty?? Kitty?" all over the house, and despite having to explain to him that Hercules wasn't living with us anymore and was going to hang out with other kitties, he is still too little to understand. So it breaks our hearts when he asks to watch the kitty movie, and puts a huge smile on his face when he watches little videos of him playing with the cat, but it had to be done. Ugh.
4) I've been looking for volunteering things to do. I was supposed to have an interview with a hospice company this past wednesday but had to cancel due to a horrendous cold. I'm hoping to start soon so I can get some volunteer hours in this summer. And the best thing is that I can bring my son with me for it, and that's awesome. I'd basically just be visiting residents and talking to them, and keeping them entertained. Sounds like a fun opportunity, and I'm excited to get started!
5) I started to exercise and eat healthier, and I bought a jogging stroller from a friend of mine, and I began taking my son with me to the park, and it's been nice. I haven't been in a week because of this cold, but I plan on returning as soon as possible. Then my husband had been doing some extra work at his job and they gave him a $75 gift certificate to Best Buy, and he bought Wii Fit Plus! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. I've only been able to play with it once, but I want to use it more from now on. There's some way fun games on it and I'm thrilled! I've always wanted one.
I think that's it for now... it's gotten too long already.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Well, here it is...
I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my life lately and I decided it was time to make a serious decision about school and life in general.
This semester was the worst semester I've ever had in college. And honestly, the last year of college has been the worst ever. I've been drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried my whole life put together. I felt like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, and a lousy student. I pretty much lost contact with the world and my friends. I stopped hanging out with my husband just so I could study, and yet, my grades still looked horrible.
Many times I forgot to pray, or read my scriptures (I'm LDS for those who don't know). I can't even say how long it's been since I cracked my scriptures open. I haven't been to church in over a year, first by choice (long story) then when I did want to go, I couldn't, because I started working every weekend. I'm ashamed I've gone this far out without realizing it. It takes one slip for things to go downhill FAST.
So now I find myself in a situation I never dreamed of being. I'm "inactive", if you want to call it that, when I really don't want to be, I'm short-tempered and anything that goes wrong sets me off, and overall I'm burnt out. I always heard the term being "burnt out", but didn't actually experience it until now. We're short selling my house because I had to go down to part-time and financially we can't afford it anymore. Things have pretty much fallen to pieces and I've been trying to glue them back together with water acting as the glue... it's not working so well.
Then there's this whole deal about having another baby.... *sigh*. If I slow down, would I want to have another one? Would I be able to deal with a second one? In the back of my mind I keep hearing, "You should have another one, for the sake of your child", but yet, I think about the first few months of having a new baby and how my life had been turned upside down and how miserable it was. And still is. Motherhood does not come easily to me, and it's hard work! But I wonder if it would've been any easier if I hadn't been school? I'm sure, but how much easier?! I see pregnant women and somehow envy them... then immediately I think, "Fun now, wait until delivery. You'll be a zombie". That's crazy! I can't figure out what I want! But I know why: it's because I have no guidance from the Heavens. I've forgotten to pray for help. I've gotten so used to just doing everything on my own that I stopped asking. I didn't want to bother God with menial requests such as "Please, Heavenly Father, give me the strength to survive from 6am until 11pm or later tonight, just so I can do it again and again this week..." or "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Jacen stop throwing food on the floor, I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with that right now". So isn't this what prayers are for? God is there to help me with the tedious requests, but somehow, I didn't think it was important enough. The only times I prayed were to bless the food when we ate meals, before bed, and while sitting in school just about to take a test. That's it. How pathetic.
So I had to come with a way to prioritize the important things in my life. What are obviously the vital things in my life that I'm missing? First of all, the consistency of the Gospel in my life. That has been by far the worst for me; not to be able to go to church or take my family to church. Spiritually I'm starved, and it's showing all over the map. And secondly, my family. I would go two weeks or more not putting my son to bed every night because I would study or have class, or both. I miss my husband. He's has been such a great support to me, and yet, I can't even spend time with him to thank him for everything he has been doing for me and for our family. School comes in third (believe it or not!), and I've been doing horrible in that department as well. Screwing up with the first two priorities made me unhappy enough to not be successful with my third priority because I had made school top priority, and it shouldn't have been that way.
I thought a lot about my choices of what to do with school and after writing down all the pros and cons of graduating on time or later, I found that the pros of delaying graduation had a much longer list than the cons. Staying on track had more pros than cons as well, but the cons were more important to me. I HATE the thought of delaying graduation, but I don't want my life to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I feel like I fell into this empty, dark and musky well and didn't ask to be rescued. But now I do, and the only way out of it is by climbing all the way up by myself. No one can do it for me. I have to. And if takes relying on the Lord for help, so be it. I must learn to not be so stubborn and ask for help. Therefore, I decided to delay graduation by a year. It hurts to make this decision but it's for the best. I won't have to be taking a ton of hard classes at the same time and I can devote time to going to church and taking care of my family like I should, and still have time to work on my education and all the extracurricular stuff that I still need to get done. Plus I'll have an extra year to study for the MCAT, which is always nice.
There. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it. Helps to have it written down so I don't change my mind, it's like if I were to write it in stone :P
This semester was the worst semester I've ever had in college. And honestly, the last year of college has been the worst ever. I've been drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've cried more in the last 6 months than I've cried my whole life put together. I felt like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, and a lousy student. I pretty much lost contact with the world and my friends. I stopped hanging out with my husband just so I could study, and yet, my grades still looked horrible.
Many times I forgot to pray, or read my scriptures (I'm LDS for those who don't know). I can't even say how long it's been since I cracked my scriptures open. I haven't been to church in over a year, first by choice (long story) then when I did want to go, I couldn't, because I started working every weekend. I'm ashamed I've gone this far out without realizing it. It takes one slip for things to go downhill FAST.
So now I find myself in a situation I never dreamed of being. I'm "inactive", if you want to call it that, when I really don't want to be, I'm short-tempered and anything that goes wrong sets me off, and overall I'm burnt out. I always heard the term being "burnt out", but didn't actually experience it until now. We're short selling my house because I had to go down to part-time and financially we can't afford it anymore. Things have pretty much fallen to pieces and I've been trying to glue them back together with water acting as the glue... it's not working so well.
Then there's this whole deal about having another baby.... *sigh*. If I slow down, would I want to have another one? Would I be able to deal with a second one? In the back of my mind I keep hearing, "You should have another one, for the sake of your child", but yet, I think about the first few months of having a new baby and how my life had been turned upside down and how miserable it was. And still is. Motherhood does not come easily to me, and it's hard work! But I wonder if it would've been any easier if I hadn't been school? I'm sure, but how much easier?! I see pregnant women and somehow envy them... then immediately I think, "Fun now, wait until delivery. You'll be a zombie". That's crazy! I can't figure out what I want! But I know why: it's because I have no guidance from the Heavens. I've forgotten to pray for help. I've gotten so used to just doing everything on my own that I stopped asking. I didn't want to bother God with menial requests such as "Please, Heavenly Father, give me the strength to survive from 6am until 11pm or later tonight, just so I can do it again and again this week..." or "Dear Heavenly Father, please help Jacen stop throwing food on the floor, I don't have the patience or the strength to deal with that right now". So isn't this what prayers are for? God is there to help me with the tedious requests, but somehow, I didn't think it was important enough. The only times I prayed were to bless the food when we ate meals, before bed, and while sitting in school just about to take a test. That's it. How pathetic.
So I had to come with a way to prioritize the important things in my life. What are obviously the vital things in my life that I'm missing? First of all, the consistency of the Gospel in my life. That has been by far the worst for me; not to be able to go to church or take my family to church. Spiritually I'm starved, and it's showing all over the map. And secondly, my family. I would go two weeks or more not putting my son to bed every night because I would study or have class, or both. I miss my husband. He's has been such a great support to me, and yet, I can't even spend time with him to thank him for everything he has been doing for me and for our family. School comes in third (believe it or not!), and I've been doing horrible in that department as well. Screwing up with the first two priorities made me unhappy enough to not be successful with my third priority because I had made school top priority, and it shouldn't have been that way.
I thought a lot about my choices of what to do with school and after writing down all the pros and cons of graduating on time or later, I found that the pros of delaying graduation had a much longer list than the cons. Staying on track had more pros than cons as well, but the cons were more important to me. I HATE the thought of delaying graduation, but I don't want my life to be this way anymore. I want to be happy. I feel like I fell into this empty, dark and musky well and didn't ask to be rescued. But now I do, and the only way out of it is by climbing all the way up by myself. No one can do it for me. I have to. And if takes relying on the Lord for help, so be it. I must learn to not be so stubborn and ask for help. Therefore, I decided to delay graduation by a year. It hurts to make this decision but it's for the best. I won't have to be taking a ton of hard classes at the same time and I can devote time to going to church and taking care of my family like I should, and still have time to work on my education and all the extracurricular stuff that I still need to get done. Plus I'll have an extra year to study for the MCAT, which is always nice.
There. The decision has been made and I'm sticking to it. Helps to have it written down so I don't change my mind, it's like if I were to write it in stone :P
Thursday, May 6, 2010
All done....
I can't believe I'm done. It's surreal.
My first final was on monday and it was physiology. I loved that class but the exams were tough. I hated them. Good thing the final wasn't comprehensive because I think I would have failed it. Then tuesday I had my calculus final. It was easy. I guess math comes easy to me because I hardly ever have to study for it and I always manage to get good grades. Finally, I got done with my last chem final yesterday morning and when I left the Chemistry Building I was in shock (the exam was super long and I H-A-T-E TITRATIONS!!!). Maybe it was the lack of sleep that had my brain sort of foggy, but I'm still having to pinch myself when I think the semester is over.
And yet, there's still so much more to do.
Now I have to start thinking of places to go volunteer at in which I can take my son with me. I'm thinking of doing Meals on Wheels, or making blankets for kids who are put in foster care, so they have something that's theirs that they can have wherever they go, kind of like a "security blanket"; or making puffy hearts for people who have lost a loved one. I think I can do all three of them.
I also have to start finding doctors to shadow. See, here's a problem: whenever I talk to a doctor, I get intimidated. I don't know why that is, perhaps because they have so much more education than me, therefore I feel "inferior" to them. So it's tough for me to shadow a doctor because if it turns out like my first shadowing experience with an OB, I'll be quizzed in front of the patient and I'll be expected to know the answers. Ugh. Embarrassing! But I'm hoping to shadow an Ob-GYN, Geneticist, and an Urologist all this summer. Maybe a Cardiologist if I can get ahold of my doctor (yes, I had heart problems when I was pregnant).
Now that I look back at this semester I just feel such a HUGE sense of relief. I can't even put it in words. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I look at all this free time that I have and I wonder, "what in the world am I going to do?!"
So yesterday I celebrated with my son by taking him out for a picnic at the park. I've been taking him to the park a lot lately since I get so bored at home (he doesn't let me study so there's nothing to do). It's been good for him to get some sun. And I've gotten to know some moms there and it's been kind of fun. Maybe that's why I keep going back? LOL I'm not a great mom, though. That's not my "niche". My "niche" is being a student and learning. Don't get me wrong, however: I love my son and would die for him, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out with him haha
Well... I got myself a great book from the library and I plan on reading it on my spare time this summer. I'm also picking up more hours at work so I can make a bit extra money.
And then our condo went up for sale yesterday. I hope someone buys it quickly! It'll be at least 3 months until we can move out, and hopefully things will work out like they should :)
My first final was on monday and it was physiology. I loved that class but the exams were tough. I hated them. Good thing the final wasn't comprehensive because I think I would have failed it. Then tuesday I had my calculus final. It was easy. I guess math comes easy to me because I hardly ever have to study for it and I always manage to get good grades. Finally, I got done with my last chem final yesterday morning and when I left the Chemistry Building I was in shock (the exam was super long and I H-A-T-E TITRATIONS!!!). Maybe it was the lack of sleep that had my brain sort of foggy, but I'm still having to pinch myself when I think the semester is over.
And yet, there's still so much more to do.
Now I have to start thinking of places to go volunteer at in which I can take my son with me. I'm thinking of doing Meals on Wheels, or making blankets for kids who are put in foster care, so they have something that's theirs that they can have wherever they go, kind of like a "security blanket"; or making puffy hearts for people who have lost a loved one. I think I can do all three of them.
I also have to start finding doctors to shadow. See, here's a problem: whenever I talk to a doctor, I get intimidated. I don't know why that is, perhaps because they have so much more education than me, therefore I feel "inferior" to them. So it's tough for me to shadow a doctor because if it turns out like my first shadowing experience with an OB, I'll be quizzed in front of the patient and I'll be expected to know the answers. Ugh. Embarrassing! But I'm hoping to shadow an Ob-GYN, Geneticist, and an Urologist all this summer. Maybe a Cardiologist if I can get ahold of my doctor (yes, I had heart problems when I was pregnant).
Now that I look back at this semester I just feel such a HUGE sense of relief. I can't even put it in words. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. At the same time, I look at all this free time that I have and I wonder, "what in the world am I going to do?!"
So yesterday I celebrated with my son by taking him out for a picnic at the park. I've been taking him to the park a lot lately since I get so bored at home (he doesn't let me study so there's nothing to do). It's been good for him to get some sun. And I've gotten to know some moms there and it's been kind of fun. Maybe that's why I keep going back? LOL I'm not a great mom, though. That's not my "niche". My "niche" is being a student and learning. Don't get me wrong, however: I love my son and would die for him, but sometimes I want to pull my hair out with him haha
Well... I got myself a great book from the library and I plan on reading it on my spare time this summer. I'm also picking up more hours at work so I can make a bit extra money.
And then our condo went up for sale yesterday. I hope someone buys it quickly! It'll be at least 3 months until we can move out, and hopefully things will work out like they should :)
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Temporarily coming to an end
Wow. In 4 days I'm going to be done with this semester. Gives me sort of a warm fuzzy feeling until I realize that in these 4 days, I'll have 3 finals. This semester I really got hit with these tests; they were usually on the same day or very close together. I could never devote all my energy into studying for one test because I was always studying for at least two others (that's not counting quizzes and stuff) all at the same time; thus my sky rocketing stress levels.
I should be studying now but I need to write a little bit. I never thought that writing could help me depressurize. I guess that's what happens when I can't really share this with people without getting a "deer in the headlights" look. LOL But it's okay.
Lately I've been pondering how great my friends are. They always cheer me on. They are sad when I am and they get excited when I do. Although they really don't know what it feels like, they at least try to put themselves in my shoes. I was frustrated in the middle of the semester with not being understood, but towards the end of the semester I met another premed mom who's got two kids with another one on the way (I may have talked about this already). I was surprised since we both belong to the same association at our university. Who would've thought? It was enlightening to hear how she was able to cope with everything and how she was taking care of her kids in the midst of all of this. Then I heard from two other moms through mommd.com who also had little kids and that helped a lot too. Maybe it was a combination of the semester ending plus finding other moms that made my stress level go down, and it's getting better.
As far as my decision goes, I need to make a list of the pros and cons of both choices (delaying or not delaying graduation). We did that for our house two years ago and it helped us see the strengths and weaknesses of each house and we made our decision based on that paper. I bet if I use the same method this time, I'll be able to come to a conclusion and feel good about it. However, I'll still try to put in as many hours as I possibly can into volunteering and all that so just in case I decide to keep my graduation date, I can at least have all of those in without rushing at the very end.
We've officially signed papers to start the process of short selling our condo. It's hard because we thought it'd be a great investment for our future, and it turned out to be the total opposite. I feel relieved that we've decided to go through with it. No one could've known the market was going to crash. It was invevitable. It'll take at least another 3 months and up to a year to close on it, so we still have time to stay there and find another place to live.
Anyway. I better go. I need to do LOTS of studying.
I should be studying now but I need to write a little bit. I never thought that writing could help me depressurize. I guess that's what happens when I can't really share this with people without getting a "deer in the headlights" look. LOL But it's okay.
Lately I've been pondering how great my friends are. They always cheer me on. They are sad when I am and they get excited when I do. Although they really don't know what it feels like, they at least try to put themselves in my shoes. I was frustrated in the middle of the semester with not being understood, but towards the end of the semester I met another premed mom who's got two kids with another one on the way (I may have talked about this already). I was surprised since we both belong to the same association at our university. Who would've thought? It was enlightening to hear how she was able to cope with everything and how she was taking care of her kids in the midst of all of this. Then I heard from two other moms through mommd.com who also had little kids and that helped a lot too. Maybe it was a combination of the semester ending plus finding other moms that made my stress level go down, and it's getting better.
As far as my decision goes, I need to make a list of the pros and cons of both choices (delaying or not delaying graduation). We did that for our house two years ago and it helped us see the strengths and weaknesses of each house and we made our decision based on that paper. I bet if I use the same method this time, I'll be able to come to a conclusion and feel good about it. However, I'll still try to put in as many hours as I possibly can into volunteering and all that so just in case I decide to keep my graduation date, I can at least have all of those in without rushing at the very end.
We've officially signed papers to start the process of short selling our condo. It's hard because we thought it'd be a great investment for our future, and it turned out to be the total opposite. I feel relieved that we've decided to go through with it. No one could've known the market was going to crash. It was invevitable. It'll take at least another 3 months and up to a year to close on it, so we still have time to stay there and find another place to live.
Anyway. I better go. I need to do LOTS of studying.
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