That actually has two meanings:
1) I do have down time which is why I'm posting, and
2) It's been a rough couple of weeks, which is why I'm down.
My midterms were a disaster. I improved in Chemistry but my score was still unacceptable and I got lower exams scores in Physiology and Calculus. My poor husband had to bear with me as I came home from school the day I found out my last two exam scores bawling my eyes out and crying so hard I could've hyperventilated if he hadn't told me everything was going to be fine. I haven't had that hard of a sobbing session for a year! I figured I was overdue for one. But now my meltdowns are coming weekly (sometimes biweekly if it's a bad week), and thoughts keep running through my head that maybe I should just give everything up. It's getting really tough. And seriously, TOUGH. Tough as in "there's nothing harder in life as far as school goes than this" tough. But I know there's a lot harder classes out there and harder majors and this is probably a breeze. But for me and the situation I'm in... it's been a rollercoaster. No wonder no moms want to go through this. It's too much work. And who knows if it'll pay off at the end? Who knows if I'll get accepted to med school? What if I don't? What will I do? I can't imagine life being anything but a doctor, so if I don't get in after all this hard work, I might lose it and have to spend a few weeks in a psych ward. But I MUST keep my chin up, and that's what I keep telling myself. I had an awesome semester last semester, and it was time for things to get really bad. And this is it, right now. One thing that has been affecting my school performance was the fact that my son wasn't sleeping through the night. He was getting up between 5-10x/night. We finally took him to the pediatrician last week to figure something out, and we had to medicate him for three nights in order to get him back to the sleep schedule he was supposed to be in. And it worked great. He's not medicated anymore and he's sleeping through the night... except for last night because he got a terrible cold and his poor little nose is like a running faucet, and he's coughing a ton at night, which wakes him up. So anyway. But other than that, he's doing better. His vocabulary has exploded in the last two weeks, which means less temper tantrums because he can communicate his wants instead of whining and throwing himself on the floor.
I've been trying to get ahead on my school work and trying to truly understand it all. I was having a hard time with Calculus for a while, but I finally got over the "hump" and things are crystal clear again. Chemistry is getting easier so I'm hoping for a better test score next time. See, here's the thing: when I think about getting good grades, because that's what every pre-med student should be doing (trying to be top of their class), I see grading as A then F. For me there's no B's or C's or D's. It's either I do really well or I fail, because if I don't come first, then I'm a loser, do you see what I'm saying? So it's been a struggle accepting the fact that it's okay to get a B+. But I just hate that thought. And these grades I've been getting are not even B's. They're lower. Which makes me so anxious and disappointed in myself. I used to be a really good student until this semester so I don't know where I derailed.
But in other news, next week is spring break. I'm so thrilled! I need a break so badly. I haven't had a day off since President's Day, and I'm going to savor and enjoy every last minute of next week. I'm gonna go get a mani/pedi, get a massage, and I'll be doing some physician shadowing on monday which I'm so excited about, and then on thursday my husband and I are going out of town for the night to celebrate our 5-yr anniversary that came and went on the 5th. It'll be a great week! I can't hardly wait!
Happy days ahead!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Phew!
Busy week this past week... holy hannah, there's SO much that happened!
I had three exams this week. It was tough, but easier than last time since they were all on different days. Calculus was on tuesday, Physiology was on wednesday, and Chemistry was on friday. I wasn't too happy with the Calculus test; he made it tough this time, but I guess I deserved it because I didn't study very long for it. Hopefully I get better than a B on it. Then Physiology was good, nothing major to complain about... and then Chemistry: the big bad wolf in my life right now. I studied for EVER and knew pretty much every question except this one that my professor only skimmed through in lecture and didn't go into it at all, and then she comes around and asks a difficult question on it when clearly we weren't prepared for! Everyone was pretty ticked. It was lame. And it was worth the most points on the test (12% of the test score was this problem). Whatever. I give up.
So besides studying my tail off all week, my husband's grandpa passed away two thursday's ago, and his funeral was on friday. I have a hard time going to funerals because whenever I look at the person's body, I feel like I need to start doing chest compressions because they're not breathing. And I hate the sadness and the fact that they're gone... *sigh* he was my closest grandpa (geographically), and now I have no grandparents in this country! But my sister in law came from Florida and it was nice to see her and hang out with her for a while.
Also, on friday, it was mine and my husband's five year wedding anniversary. I had taken funeral leave from work because I thought the funeral was going to be later in the day, and because it turned out it was early in the day, I took the opportunity to have the night off and go out to dinner with my husband and my son. We went to a brazilian restaurant and it was the best $60 (yes, I know, so expensive!) I've spent in a long time. The food is always delicious, and although I get full, I don't feel crummy like I do when I eat at american restaurants. Strange.
On the home front, my son is not doing well. He's been throwing the worst tantrums and not sleeping well. He either sleeps all night or he wakes up 5-10x/night. It's crazy. I don't know what's going on, but I thought that maybe he wasn't getting all his energy out during the day, so I started taking him to the playground when I could, but he was still sleeping horribly at night. I just may have to take him to the doctor because we haven't changed any routines lately and I don't know how else to help him. I read online, however, that this could happen when they're reaching a major developmental milestone. It coincides with the time his vocabulary exploded, so I think there's a correlation.
We also got our hefty tax return a couple of weeks ago, and we bought ourselves a luxurious TV with a nice entertainment center, and then a new fridge and a new dishwasher (which just happened to be too big for the places they were being placed into, so I had to return them). So now we're on the hunt for a smaller fridge, and we'll probably use the money from the dishwasher for our summer fun activities for when my dad comes to visit us from Brazil.
Oh, and some fabulous news: my pre-med advisor introduced me to another potential pre-med mom! I'm so thrilled. I'm hoping this will help me with my "loneliness" and getting through my struggles. It's so tough not knowing anyone who's doing what I'm doing, and I know this will help tremendously. It always helps to do tough things with friends that know how bad it is :) But like I've said a million times, I'd much rather be struggling than sitting on the couch all day doing nothing. I'm not like that. I can't stay home and not have a fulfilling life. Yeah, it's difficult and the road is very rocky, but it'll payoff big time at the end and I'll be glad I went through all this hell to get there.
When I was cleaning my house today (which, I know my house appreciated it since I was neglecting it for quite a while due to all those exams!), I was listening to my IPod and was listening to the lyrics of "One in a million" by the Backstreet Boys. If you ever have a chance, look up those lyrics. The song described me almost identically to what the song was about.
Lastly, I got this letter a couple of MONTHS ago and totally forgot to share on here: apparently I was placed on the President's List at the community college that I attended up until last semester for taking 15 credits and getting a 3.9 GPA. Too bad they didn't know that I was also working full-time and taking care of a family, otherwise I think they would've given me a huge prize besides that dinky letter. But at least it's a recognition I can use on my medical school application!
Well, I think that's it for now. Will write more later!
I had three exams this week. It was tough, but easier than last time since they were all on different days. Calculus was on tuesday, Physiology was on wednesday, and Chemistry was on friday. I wasn't too happy with the Calculus test; he made it tough this time, but I guess I deserved it because I didn't study very long for it. Hopefully I get better than a B on it. Then Physiology was good, nothing major to complain about... and then Chemistry: the big bad wolf in my life right now. I studied for EVER and knew pretty much every question except this one that my professor only skimmed through in lecture and didn't go into it at all, and then she comes around and asks a difficult question on it when clearly we weren't prepared for! Everyone was pretty ticked. It was lame. And it was worth the most points on the test (12% of the test score was this problem). Whatever. I give up.
So besides studying my tail off all week, my husband's grandpa passed away two thursday's ago, and his funeral was on friday. I have a hard time going to funerals because whenever I look at the person's body, I feel like I need to start doing chest compressions because they're not breathing. And I hate the sadness and the fact that they're gone... *sigh* he was my closest grandpa (geographically), and now I have no grandparents in this country! But my sister in law came from Florida and it was nice to see her and hang out with her for a while.
Also, on friday, it was mine and my husband's five year wedding anniversary. I had taken funeral leave from work because I thought the funeral was going to be later in the day, and because it turned out it was early in the day, I took the opportunity to have the night off and go out to dinner with my husband and my son. We went to a brazilian restaurant and it was the best $60 (yes, I know, so expensive!) I've spent in a long time. The food is always delicious, and although I get full, I don't feel crummy like I do when I eat at american restaurants. Strange.
On the home front, my son is not doing well. He's been throwing the worst tantrums and not sleeping well. He either sleeps all night or he wakes up 5-10x/night. It's crazy. I don't know what's going on, but I thought that maybe he wasn't getting all his energy out during the day, so I started taking him to the playground when I could, but he was still sleeping horribly at night. I just may have to take him to the doctor because we haven't changed any routines lately and I don't know how else to help him. I read online, however, that this could happen when they're reaching a major developmental milestone. It coincides with the time his vocabulary exploded, so I think there's a correlation.
We also got our hefty tax return a couple of weeks ago, and we bought ourselves a luxurious TV with a nice entertainment center, and then a new fridge and a new dishwasher (which just happened to be too big for the places they were being placed into, so I had to return them). So now we're on the hunt for a smaller fridge, and we'll probably use the money from the dishwasher for our summer fun activities for when my dad comes to visit us from Brazil.
Oh, and some fabulous news: my pre-med advisor introduced me to another potential pre-med mom! I'm so thrilled. I'm hoping this will help me with my "loneliness" and getting through my struggles. It's so tough not knowing anyone who's doing what I'm doing, and I know this will help tremendously. It always helps to do tough things with friends that know how bad it is :) But like I've said a million times, I'd much rather be struggling than sitting on the couch all day doing nothing. I'm not like that. I can't stay home and not have a fulfilling life. Yeah, it's difficult and the road is very rocky, but it'll payoff big time at the end and I'll be glad I went through all this hell to get there.
When I was cleaning my house today (which, I know my house appreciated it since I was neglecting it for quite a while due to all those exams!), I was listening to my IPod and was listening to the lyrics of "One in a million" by the Backstreet Boys. If you ever have a chance, look up those lyrics. The song described me almost identically to what the song was about.
Lastly, I got this letter a couple of MONTHS ago and totally forgot to share on here: apparently I was placed on the President's List at the community college that I attended up until last semester for taking 15 credits and getting a 3.9 GPA. Too bad they didn't know that I was also working full-time and taking care of a family, otherwise I think they would've given me a huge prize besides that dinky letter. But at least it's a recognition I can use on my medical school application!
Well, I think that's it for now. Will write more later!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)